“Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.”

On Christmas Eve, those oh so prescient powers that be decided to change my ward from Surgical admissions, to care of the elderly.
It's just a shame that we are not staffed for such a change, work has been hell, and it looks like we've got another week of it. A little help would be nice!
(I'd like to go on but I could get in trouble).

Christmas Day, I spent a few hours at my Mams with Billie, before she had to go home for the posher part of the day. It's all right though, at least one of us is happy (a clue, it's not me). I did get some lovely presents from her though, the first time I didn't have to buy it myself and have it delivered to her address (true story).

Boxing Day - nothing happened (at least to me).

Another year I haven't bothered with decorations or festive food (or pretty much any kind of food). there's only been me here so why bother. The last visitor I had was the boiler man back in September.

The bad dreams and anxiety continue.

I have to go to work now, a day of toileting and angry relatives awaits...

winter kills... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.” - Dr. Seuss

 

 

“Don't tell your problems to people: eighty percent don't care; and the other twenty percent are glad you have them” - Lou Holtz

I've gotta get me some kind of medical help, as soon as the holidays are out of the anyway (no way my GP will see someone on Christmas Eve about anxiety).
I'm feeling so anxious today that it's interfering with everything, literally everything, I do, say or think. It's consuming me.
I'm back at work in the morning though, and that's usually distracting from my stir craziness.
I'm making light of it, but I feel absolutely terrible, I can't relax or rest at all.

I'll let you know what transpires...


ps The Christmas night out was a bust, a half empty venue, all the atmosphere of the moon, plus I'd forgotten to bring any money! There was no wine (as promised) with the food, which itself was smothered in gravy (which I hate). Plus my anxiety meant I couldn't relax and just chill out. Only 10 of 30 employees on my ward attended. The overall impression was a dull wedding reception. At least I lasted until 10.30 this year. There was a permeating drizzle on the way home, so I was of course, drenched by the time I arrived at my front door. I sat soberly in front of the computer for an hour, then went to bed, trying to avoid the creaking and dripping, by employing my newly purchased ear-buds. It goes without saying that I had troubled dreams, but reportage of dreams is in the top 3 of things other people don't want to read, and I don't want to push this so called blog any further up that illustrious list.

pps Billie stayed last night, for our traditional Christmas movie viewing. We couldn't agree what to watch, I've a big collection, but she is scared of "Gremlins" has never fancied "It's A Wonderful Life", doesn't consider "Die Hard" a real Christmas movie, and has seen "Elf"  (my top choice) too many times to countenance it again. 
I tried to download a compromise in "The Santa Clause" but my internet connection was down, which I felt rather guilty about. We ended up chatting and eating our pizza, then she watched "Match of the day" (an absolute must for her) and went to bed. A normal night for other families, I suppose. 
We get on really well considering how little we see of each other, and she is beautiful, clever and opinionated. 
I hope she learns from my mistakes and make a success of her life. I know that she can if she applies herself, but I worry that she'll develop her fathers top skills of self pity, apathy, and bad decision making. Somehow though, deep down, I think she'll do just fine.
In my current mental state my only guaranteed source of mental comfort is dwelling on how well she turned out as a person, and how happy she seems. 
Of course she is stubborn, self centred, selfish and materialistic, but I believe that by law , a teenager has to be all those and more...

Billie slept in my room as she is not too fond of her "bedroom". Consequently I slept in my armchair, with a blanket over me. It was a very strange night indeed. I only half slept, I think, and the night felt more like a delirious night shift (with strange dreams) than any form of relaxation. 

If I were someone other than me reading this, I'd be thinking "what a crackpot". But I simply don't have the skills to adequately describe how I feel. My GP was supposed to arrange counselling for me two and a half years ago, but I suspect that appointment will not be arriving now. If I had some kind of network of friends, that would probably help me deal with everyday concerns and woes, and a (self perceived) crisis like this would never arrive. 
But I'm terrible at making friends, and I imagine worse at keeping them. I'm not just difficult to know,  I'm just not worth the effort.

Blimey this ps went on a bit didn't it?

That's the signpost up ahead... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“Weather forecast for tonight: dark.” - George Carlin

I've been on holiday. As usual I've done nothing, almost literally (breathing is autonomic).
I won't go into details, but I've never felt so worried and anxious, or fretted so much in my life. That knot in my stomach is pretty much a permanent fixture now, resembling a bag of giant pretzels (delicious with mustard).
I can't remember the last time I felt relaxed (that didn't partially involve alcohol at least), or felt like I was actually enjoying myself.
I simply want someone to put their arms around me and tell me everything will be alright - but then again, who doesn't?




Huzzah! - It's the Christmas night out tonight, it will literally be my only social engagement of the year (that doesn't involve my daughter that is).
That may sound like hyperbole, but it's completely true, one week of the year to go, and my first night out, a wildman!


I can't think of any reason (good or bad) not to go (and my how I've tried), so go I (probably) will.
The world is supposed to end today isn't it? The weather is certainly apocalyptic enough. Perfect for a drunken walk home later, is it bad form to take an umbrella?

Be seeing you...

ps a heartfelt happy birthday Barbara !

I Wish I Was In Love Again... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“Stupidity has a certain charm - ignorance does not”  

- Frank Zappa

Whatever happened to me? from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“How young can you die of old age?” - Steven Wright

Sorry for the wordless posts. I've been a little stuck for something to say.
So here's more of the same!
I feel awful.
Really really awful.
I could try and describe the way I've been feeling, but It's not worth it, I'll never forget, and you don't care.

I can't seem to cope with any problems or decisions, (at least outside of work, the consequences of my decisions there could be a little more far reaching) small or large. Every thing seems to be crumbling and decaying, even my one important relationship, with Billie. Part of me knows that I should lighten up, and at least try to enjoy the pleasures that are offered to me. Sadly this part of me is more often drowned out by the paranoid loopy part.

Plus some kind of vortex that sucks the money from my bank into distant oblivion, is following me. I constantly and eternally broke!

It wouldn't be so bad if I had someone to talk to occasionally (frankly I've forgotten what being a functioning adult is to some extent, especially regarding small talk). Sadly if the rest of my family were a sitcom, I wouldn't even rise to comedy neighbour status, maybe a featured extra?

I really need to have a few hours fun. I can recall two perfect evenings in the last 10 years. The memories of those will be with me forever, and can still make me smile upon their recollection. Will I ever have another?
(Maybe if I left the house once in a while, eh?)

boo hoo.

Yesterday when I was young... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.” - Orson Welles

 

 

My Name Is Barbara... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“Ah,women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.” - Friedrich Nietzche

Was there ever a Woman more beautiful on screen than Kim Novak, in 'Vertigo' ?
Probably not.

I watched Vertigo on blu-ray tonight. I've seen it many many times before of course (it's my favourite film) but this was the first time in true high definition. For 2 hours and 8 minutes, day to day problems melted completely away. Almost everything about it is perfect (and I only noticed Midge's car for the first time - my all time favourite too -  a Volkswagen Karmann Ghia !)

(I could, and would if prompted, spout forth for hours on the subject of this film)

The scenes where Scotty revisits anywhere and anything that has even the vaguest connection to Madelaine, resonated with me. It's one of my many neurotic traits. For example, even now I'll look around my house and say to myself something like 'Barbara once sat in that chair'.
I'm a loon (but not a loony).


I'm so incredibly tired tonight, every atom of me is crying out - get to bed! but for some reason my stoopid mind wants to finish typing this inconsequential nonsense. Work is increasingly stressful, both physically and mentally, plus my slow descent into craziness doesn't help, I imagine. 

Billie rang me at midnight on Saturday. She was almost incoherent. It transpires she was drunk and heartbroken. Whilst I know this is normal teenage behaviour, I was very upset that I was only invited to the metaphorical party 18 months after it had apparently begun. I know that's a bit childish, and I sort of understand her reasoning, but it was something of a , not totally unexpected, shock to me. I haven't explained that very well, partly to save her feelings , but mostly because it's nearly 3 am , and I'm totally knackered...

“You teach your daughters the diameters of the planets and wonder when you are done that they do not delight in your company” - Samuel Johnson

“Too young to hold on and too old to just break free and run.” - Jeff Buckley

 I was almost in tears after saying goodnight to Billie earlier. She's all alone at 'home', I'm all alone in mine, shall ever the twain meet?
Parents and teenagers have so little in common with each other, and so it should be by the way, that often only the fact they share an abode drives the relationship. So if you don't even have that, then where are you?
It seems such a waste.

However, we did go to see "Skyfall" together earlier this week. We both enjoyed it , but as she'd never seen a James Bond film before (can you imagine being so very young?)  that she actually asked me to explain some of the in jokes and set up afterwards. It was nice to be considered a proper Dad expert!
The film was great fun.  A little long perhaps, and the music was, well not very memorable. Preposterous from start to finish, but that's exactly what you want from a Bond film (QOS, I'm looking at you).

It occurs to me that going to the cinema with someone is not the most social thing to do together. After all it's essentially two or more hours in darkness and self imposed silence.
But as I inferred above the anticipation and post film analysis is good fun, as is bitching over the insane cost of cinema "food", and insane it is!

It's absolutely freezing in here tonight. Such is the highness of ceiling and the inefficiency of boiler, that it takes about an hour to feel any effect from the central heating. As I have no fire, it's lucky that my computer is right next to my beloved radiator, source of all my winter warmness, apart from the two quilts on my bed. The modern bachelor can only afford to heat one room it seems.

“When I was young, I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know it is” - Oscar Wilde

 

“Whatever you are, be a good one.”

I've had a few horrible despondent days since last we met. A myriad of little to middling problems, congregating to drag me way way down.
As I write now it's a dark Tuesday afternoon, and while I don't feel great, I don't feel terrible either.

What's happening at work? Well the latest plan is to condense the current ward into an area with roughly half the beds we have now. The most obvious problem here is that all the staff cannot transfer to the "new" ward, so the powers that be must make a judgement of Solomon.
So for the last 10 days or so everyone has been wondering "will it be me?" an already strange atmosphere has become strangely stranger.
And me? I've had a twisty knot, akin to a giant pretzel, churning amid my superabundant torso.

I'm so very bored of my xerox life.
Even though I work odd shifts, I can usually tell what I'll be doing on any given day, at any given time, usually with stunning accuracy.
Most of it involves sitting right here. I never go anywhere or do anything. I honestly think that should the opportunity arise, a grown up conversation would stump me.
Just lonely I suppose.

“Lonely men seek companionship. Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet.” - Abraham Lincoln

 

“Worry is like a rocking chair--it gives you something to do but it doesn't get you anywhere.”

My new neighbours moved in today, I think. I haven't seen them yet, just clues that they're there. They don't appear to be the heavy metal band I was worried about.
Still, there's plenty of room and time for disaster...

By the way, I finally got that new chair. whilst the quality isn't the best. it looks okay and is comfortable. Now I have a white chair to match my white sofa. Welcome to 1973!


(ps. - I watched the Blu Ray restoration of "Magical Mystery Tour" last night, and it really was, magical that is. What a clean up job. A few fuzzy scenes, but for a near 50 year old TV special it looked great)

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum."

Things that I recently liked -

I really enjoyed "Ruby Sparks".
I cannot recommend "Getting On" (BBC4) enough.
"Hebburn" (BBC2) is really rather good, gentle, but good.
The final series of "The Thick Of It", was masterful.

Dexter "season" 7 is turning out really well, after last years, um, rather disappointing run.
"The Walking Dead" (season 3) has finally become a show worth watching, rather than dutifully tuning in hoping something good will come out of such an intriguing premise.

By the way, can you guess which film I watched tonight?


"White line's in the middle of the road, that's the worst place to drive."

“Loneliness is about the scariest thing out there.” - Joss Whedon

“I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong” - Benjamin Franklin

Sorry all I do here is moan and moan. I used to be optimistic and quite happy, honestly.

I'm just not a good enough writer to effectively convey just how awful I feel.It's always there, either as a quesiness in my guts, or a nagging in my head.
I know I'm selfish, shallow, weak and directionless. but since I'm in a circle of one, I'm the only voice you'll hear on the subject.

I can't remember the last time, I went to bed thinking "what a great day" or the last time I actually looked forward to anything.
There are of course the occasional good moments. These mostly revolve around my daughter.
But circumstance and her age mean these are fewer and fewer.

Looking ahead, just more of the same.  Uneventful grayness - but now with added jobthreatiness.

Those paragraphs read like a final goodbye, but weren't meant as such, I just typed without thinking, and this is the stuff that oozed out.
I want things to change, I'm just not strong enough to do anything about it.

I honestly set out to say I was going to be more positive, less apologetic and at least try to be upbeat. It seems I failed at that too!

“He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else”...

 

 

 

 

"A still tongue makes a happy life"

What a dreadful day at work. I feel wrecked, both physically and especially mentally*.
I want to curl up into a ball and cry myself into numbness . Instead I'm going to bed, the whole shebang starts again in 6 hours.
At least the ward is staying open, for the near future at least, though everyone seems to sense the dark shadowy threat, that always seems to be on the periphery of the conscious mind. Or I could be talking complete crap, again.

I feel desolately lonely tonight. I didn't get in until 9.30pm, after a bath and a slice of toast, well it's pretty much time for bed. But it's so darn cold, that's probably for the best. I hope it doesn't rain tonight, otherwise I'll spend the next few hours listening for that slow dripping, I really should get someone to check that roof out, shouldn't I...


I've made some bad decisions, I've made some absolutely stinking decisions (one in particular). In fact decisions have never really been my thing. One of the few good things about being married, was that most of them were made for me, and I'm not being cynical, that actually was mostly a good thing. Even a little crisis has me banjaxed.What a loss to heterosexual womankind I am!



*Nothing to do with work btw, I'm just feeling very very miserable. I can't remember the last time my mood rose to anything higher than despondent, on the happy sad continuum (only joking, I got up to "pensive" just the other day.)
Maybe if I'd invested some of my life into making a few friends, or leaving the house to go somewhere other than work, I might feel a bit better (gee you think?).

Do Not Forsake Me Oh My Darling...

Well that's another fabulous holiday over with (does anyone even read this rubbish? other than a drunken me, a year later? thought not).

Somehow it escaped my mind that Billie and her new clan are off to Spain for a week, (apparently it's half term next week!) that'll be a fortnight I won't see her, she only lives about two miles away, how'd that occur?

Little (read nothing, nada, nowt!) in the way of news of course. I continue to swing between bleak despair and skin crawling boredom.
Of course minutes after starting work tomorrow, even this'll seem preferable.

I ordered a new armchair from eBay.
I waited in for delivery today - of course it never arrived.
I'm at work for the next seven days, that was the whole bloody reason for arranging delivery today! The mists are clearing, I see a trip to a depot in my future...

Pointless coda - I watched "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind" again last night, my how I love that film...
(and I finally got around to watching 'The Prisoner' Blu ray box set)
get it?



be seeing you...

“Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length” - Robert Frost

It's 2am on Saturday morning. You find me trying to get over what I can only describe as a panic attack, no,  it wasn't quite that.
More the despair hour, although that too, doesn't quite get to the heart of it.
There's a few things worrying me on top of my usual 'woes', but to detail them would reveal just how trivial they are, and how crackers I actually am, so I'll say no more, for now. But sometimes fretting spirals into full blown panic I imagine.

I've been on holiday this week - wasted all of it of course. On a brief positive note - I actually got a semi decent haircut.
Sadly, I've hardly seen Billie at all. She was supposed to stay this very night, but she forgot her pyjamas, and wouldn't accept a substitute. So we reasoned if we had to go back for them, she may as well wear them there!

Much like yours truly, my armchair finally snapped tonight. It's been wobbly for months, but tonight I found myself and chair keeling over.

The only reason I tell you is it seemed quite amusing. Even as I was a tumbling I could see the humour in it. But if a tree falling in a forest makes no sound, is an unobserved buffoon funny?
Ponder that, while I ponder how I can afford a new armchair, oh and a new mobile phone (the beloved Dell is sadly not long for this world, and several other household appliances also have a poor prognosis - oh despised decrepit money pit that I call home!)

Where am I going to sit tonight?

(ps - no news on my ward closure - yet. apparently it's still 'under discussion' - blimey!)

“Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.”

“You never really know your friends from your enemies until the ice breaks” - Eskimo Proverb

Hello future self. In what is probably the dullest post ever - still no news.
Told you it was dull.
The lack of any definite info is making work feel very strange, and not just for me. Everything of course feels strangely temporary and ephemeral, and just a bit pointless. full circle...

“This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.” - Winston Churchill

No news, still awaiting details, everything will change. Oh dear.

I'm quite intoxicated,  it stops me dwelling on what is happening. This big change , plus a whole lot of littler ones, have me feeling quite quite low. On Monday night lying awake I was mentally composing suicide notes. Whilst two years ago this was akin to serious business, this week was merely an extreme exercise in self pity.

My job is sadly what defines me.  I've no friends outside of work, and only an indifferent family. Consequently my long (long) time colleagues are the nearest things to friends I have. If we are split up I'll miss them, and the role I've been performing for so long, it's what defines me, one of the last part of a puzzle, whose pieces have been vanishing, one by one, for the last few years.
You can't even tell what the picture is supposed to be now. (talk about stretching a metaphor to infinity... and beyond)

Ultimately I'm pointless...

Alone Again (Naturally) from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“We are masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out”

“There's nothing I'm afraid of like scared people” - Robert Frost

I found out at lunchtime today that my ward is to close in four weeks. That's all we've been told, we literally don't know anything else. 
I'm scared , I wish I had someone to talk to.

feel bad music... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

If you go away... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“The old believe everything; the middle aged suspect everything: the young know everything.” - Oscar Wilde

I've just finished an especially gruelling (at least for one of my age and slightly less than peak physical condition) stretch at work, 43 hours over four days! and never a moments rest. You simply can't take a break if the ward is busy, and there's no cover.

I sat down to watch TV last night and then comically awoke at 3am. Foolishly I'd left both heating and projector on, oh wasted wasted energy!

The previous night I'd been kept awake by a slow dripping seemingly coming from an internal wall. It sounds like a Korean horror movie plot , but I swear it was real! Next day no evidence anywhere of a leak! I may actually be crazy, but Mondays weather was atrocious, heavy heavy rain, and very strong winds.
Looks like I'll finally have to stump up for a new flat roof!

My lack of posting, is due to even less happening than usual. (just look at the above paragraphs!). Billie seems to have settled in to sixth form, and consequently I hardly see her at all, maybe once or twice a week. I don't really mind, but it's making me very lonely and increasingly isolated.

I worry so much about the future, not in a global sense, just the selfish personal level. I'm so detached from human contact,  don't even know if that's a 'thing'. Bored and penniless for the next 20 years, then if I'm still around for retirement, even more bored and more penniless until death. How cheerful!

A few days later...

I had what can only be described as a falling out with Billie. She says I'm too clingy as a parent (eg I worry if I don't get to say goodnight on the phone), and that we have nothing in common. She feels like she has to 'perform' when she stays with me (which explains why she hasn't stayed over for six weeks or so). 
I told her she's right, we don't have a lot in common (but isn't that supposed to be the case with parents and teenagers?) , but just spending time together in the same room makes me happy, she doesn't have to be always 'on'. I think our relationship is a bit better now, although I was extremely upset at the time. She forgot to ring me tonight (she rings me early if she's going out -  I ring her is she's not) and I'm not even going to mention it to her, I thought it was the right thing to do to show concern and love for our children. (next day update - she texted me at 11pm to say sorry for forgetting)
I suppose we just rebel to some degree against our own parents, and I didn't want to become an embittered old man, who never expresses affection or pride at his offspring, and can barely acknowledge there existence (that's my Dad by the way - duh!)

Today I went to see "Looper". I can't recommend it enough. It's far from perfect, and demands a second viewing to be sure. I went in expecting a time travel crime caper, and whilst to some degree it is that , it's a much more thoughtful, stylish, and intelligent beast than I'd imagined.

It's late evening now, and I'm doubled over with what can only be described as renal pain. The fact it is bilateral only points out how little I actually take in the way of fluids (other than wine, oh witty reader), I'm obviously very dehydrated. How stupid am I? Well as evidence I offer this , until 4pm today neither food nor fluid had passed my lips, or any other body part for that matter.
Physically I feel quite quite awful (and for once with actual reason), and added to my generally miserable outlook, your author is feeling supremely sorry for himself, wish him well...

“The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life. And the body is born young and grows old. That is life's tragedy.” - Oscar Wilde

“I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.” - Bill Hicks

Bitterest Pill... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“Rookie - you ready?"

A film review.

I went to see "Dredd 3D" a few hours after finishing my fourth night shift, it was actually the first showing on the first day of release, grud knows how I stayed awake...

Actually the reason I stayed awake was that it was zarjaz! Scrotnig! Drokkin amazing!
I read 2000ad from issue 1 until the early 2000s, so I'm quite the Dredd connoisseur. I remember looking forward immensely to the debacle that was "Judge Dredd" and then being so so incredible  disappointed with the Stallone non event.

This was the film I was looking forward to. Kudos to Karl Urban for taking a role that had so few lines, and hid most of his face. He nailed it, Urban is Dredd, at least until time travel is invented and a 40 something Clint Eastwood gets to play him, he was the inspiration after all. Dredd doesn't need depth, he has a singular purpose, he is the law.

The films low budget obviously dictated the rather claustrophobic story line (which is uncannily like "The Raid") but I think this rather helps. Low budgets often foster creativity.
 Most films featuring such an iconic character are bogged down with the need for an an origin , often half the film is over before they can start being the 'hero' we want. Here Dredd is Dredd from the start, a cloned fascist law machine.

I usually avoid 3d films, they're so dark (literally, not in tone) and I've got funny eyes, terrible night blindness don't you know. Here the 3d worked extremely well (for me) and the 'slo mo' macguffin enabled some beautiful scenes. 

Loved the lawmaster AI (but not so much the design), the lawgiver, the crooked Judges, the Judges costume (which actually looked practical and very intimidating) the spacing out of the city blocks (as compared to the comic book version), the little easter eggs (chopper?),  and the bleakness and unapologetic gore.

Here's hoping for sequels, the Dark Judges would be most welcome, but perhaps a little fantastical after the tone of the 'original' (but please no Walter the robot), or maybe the cursed earth?

By the way, the auditorium had about 20 people in it. It's been a long time since I've seen such an assemblage of freaks, misfits and nut jobs.
I wonder if they thought the same about me?

(by the way night shift still stinks)

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere, and let the air out of the tires.” - Dorothy Parker

Here we go again.

You find me feeling rather low (so?) even by my own standards.
That horrible end of 'holiday' feeling, coupled with night shift tomorrow (which I am well documented to loathe), being a miserable sod, plus most worryingly, I had a bit of a falling out with my beloved daughter earlier.
Details aren't important, lets just say that while I've been off, she's only visited me once, and that was over two weeks ago.
An extra fly in the ointment was seeing the vast haul of stuff that my Niece had brought back from Florida for her Dad (ie my Brother) today. Simply put I was jealous, not of the swag, but the sentiment.
Billie is only 16 though, and we mostly get on, I just need a rational voice in my ear (other than my own) every now and then to remind me of these things.

I'm so incredibly lonely, especially tonight.

About an hour ago I found I had tears streaming down my face (where else would they go?). What was that about? I can suddenly and vividly recall how I felt when I was 'ill' two years ago,
I don't want to go there again...

I'm feeling really guilty too. Payday this week , and I ordered an obscenely expensive pair of headphones from Amazon as my ( September 2008) £93,000 (it's actually an interesting story, I must have mentioned it back then) pair of Sennheiser HD595s have finally fallen apart, RIP old friends, you have served me well.
Guilty?
I really really can't afford to spend that much on anything, so absolutely no Cd's, Blu Rays, books, and probably food for the next couple of months...

this series is fabulous...

“Every great man nowadays has his disciples, and it is always Judas who writes the biography” - Oscar Wilde

 

“I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me” - Woody Allen

You find me in an uncharacteristically upbeat mood, so lightning in a bottle style, let's try and get it down on "paper" while it lasts.

Why the good mood you are almost certainly asking?
Well Billie just rang me with her GCSE results and she did really really well. I've been fretting for days and lay awake for most of last night and this morning (although that was the most pressing, it wasn't the only thing I was worrying about), listening to horror stories on the radio news, that for the first time in 24 years results were down, and marking was tougher, but thankfully it ended well, at least for her, I'm sure there are many many disappointed teens this day. I'm so very proud of her, she may treat me like an afterthought most of the time, but she's a clever and independent young girl.

For weeks now, it's seemed that I was far more anxious than her about these results. I'm sure most parents feel this way, and of course it may be anxious teens appearing cool and nonchalant in front of their oh so uncool elders.

 I've been on holiday this week, it took about two days to get bored, especially as Billie was on an adventure break in the Lake District (she doesn't count this as a holiday apparently, so just two foreign trips for her this year). I've been very lonely.  In fact signing on here I found an unfinished post about that very subject. You can picture the alcohol induced ramblings I'm sure, bemoaning my tragic and singular (in both senses) existence, but I do get very very lonely, at least sometimes. After all, I'm quite the misanthrope.

In local news, I shaved off my big hobo beard and had a reasonably successful haircut , both in the same 24 hours. Consequently I feel so much cooler (in the temperature, not style, sense of course).
It's week four of a five week month - bad planning holiday wise - I'm broke (in all senses). 

I 'partially' fixed the creaky floorboards, that for the past few months have been recreating the "Haunted Mansion" for anyone in earshot (so mostly me then). This may be one of the most trivial things I've ever said, but it was doing my head in!!!!
Also after literally years of being on sale, my neighbours house has finally been sold. I live in a less than glamorous neighbourhood, so it's probably not a little old lady moving in, but my paranoia is picturing the worst - noisy, rude, probably students!!! It'll probably amount to nothing, but I have the wonderful ability to see the worst in everything.

Won't come back from Dead Man's Curve... from yakkowarner on 8tracks Radio.

“I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.” - Woody Allen

 

 

Wow, just wow...



(please watch in fullscreen  HD)

“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” - George Carlin

Here's something new, a totally sober posting. Well maybe not completely new, but refreshingly different, and now with fewer calories. The lack of alcohol will mean it's drier than usual (pun intended), or as I also like to put it, - complete tripe.

Billie is finally back from Florida, and despite spending three weeks in a most excellent shopping destination, she somehow "didn't have time" to get me a present...

Oh dear, never mind.

Salt in the wound - she sent me a picture of all her purchases, neatly arranged in her room, that haul could clothe a small army , albeit a very small one.

I went to see "The Dark Knight Rises" last week, on what passes for an IMAX screen in these parts (Actually the quality was pretty good, pricey, but good). I enjoyed the film itself, although it must comes second to "The Dark Knight" for sheer entertainment and coherence.
It seemed a little joyless at the time, especially in the middle, but memory has revealed a richer experience. And personally I loved the ending, and I really don't think it's open to interpretation, à la "Inception".

(Billy and I watched "Batman Begins" last night, she thought it was "crap" - blimey!)

Work has become such a strain recently, physically, but especially mentally. And not just for me it seems - there's quite an undercurrent of stress to the whole darn place, we are simply being stretched too thinly. After all there is only so far you can spread butter before you have no butter at all.
I'm coming home so physically tired that I simply spend my days off sleeping and moping, and moping really takes it out of you, let me tell you. 

And don't get me started on money! Too late , it seems I've started! - No pay rise for three years, greatly increased pension contributions, and the simple rise in the cost of living - it effectively means I'm earning less each year.
I'm going to have to say goodbye to my international playboy lifestyle - goodbye!

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.” 

“I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.” - Groucho Marx

If indeed there's anyone out there reading this, well you may have noticed subtle changes in my beloved blogs appearance. This is not some long needed overhaul, simply I accidentally messed up the template. In short - I suck. What you see is the best approximation of the old places former appearance that a couple of hours of me hopelessly messing about could produce.

I've been almost crippled today with a stinking headache and more worryingly a wave of melancholy so intense, well it almost physically incapacitated me.
But I have to go to work tomorrow, so I'll have to shake it off, or at least push it to one side for a few days. I'm just so darned lonely!

Speaking of which. My errant Daughter did finally make some fleeting contact from her temporary Floridian abode last night. However, she once again vanished mid-conversation with any hint of leaving. I'm reading to much into it of course. 
Let me just say that until last Thursday she seemed quite lonely and appeared to be having a less than stellar time - consequently she wanted to chat with me all the time. Then she made some teenage friends in her hotel, and coincidentally, and nothing more I'm sure, she is suddenly unavailable for comment. She's having a good time, that's really all I care about.
I'll come in useful one day I imagine!

When I'm this miserable I usually watch a lot of TV. This week I've been working my way through "Mr Show" and Season 3 of The Twilight Zone.
I'm also really enjoying "Continuum" the Vancouver made and set Sci-Fi show currently airing in Canada only. 
Next week two things to look forward to, a dental appointment (that darn root canal has started hurting - again!) and slightly more entertaining (I Imagine) seeing The Dark Knight Rises in IMAX, (not the really big screen alas, just the multiplex version of IMAX sadly, but still...). A lunch time showing (of Course), but it was already (nearly) fully booked. I don't get to the cinema often, but It's been years since I was in a full one... 

(did you know IMAX is a Canadian invention and has been around since the late 60s? well neither did I until about 20 seconds ago - what did we do before the internet? Oh libraries, remember them?) 

“I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”   - Groucho Marx

“Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary...” - Edgar Allan Poe

   Shameless self promotion.

Regrets? I've had a few... from yakkowarner on 8tracks.

Todays big decision -  Stay in dressing gown and not leave the house all day.

I'll probably regret it later.
With any luck, I might hear from my globetrotting progeny at some point today?

“She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it)” - Lewis Carroll

I'm a terrible person really. Selfish, lazy, opinionated, and these are my better qualities.

Time once again to relish in self indulgent self pity...

You can tell from the amount of recent posts how dull this week has been, and how little I've had to fill my time. It's like talking to myself, but without the accompanying mental health stigma (which actually doesn't bother me much at all, sometimes I seem to almost relish my mental health problems, don't you think?).
I'm almost, almost, looking forward to going back to work, at least it occupies my waking thoughts with, well something.
Billie being away is just incredibly bad timing too.  I've mostly spent the week thinking about all the things I could be doing, and then not doing them. I am of course the architect of my own destruction, after all if I even had any friends, I would surely sabotage the relationship, either consciously or unconsciously (but probably a schizophrenic mix of the two, gollum style).

Speaking of Billie, thanks to my ipod and her iphone, I thought we would have daily face time chats, or at least lots of free messaging. Sadly, and of course understandably, this hasn't come to pass. Whilst I don't mind in theory, in practise the way she has simply stopped mid conversation, only to reappear eight or nine hours later as if nothing happened, well it's irked me a little. As I say brevity I don't mind, but leaving a conversation mid topic, without a 'goodbye' or 'I have to go now', well that's just bad manners, something I dearly wish her to have, not for me, I simply want her to be a good person.
Of course, deep down I know it's just normal teenage behaviour, (their brains undergo an actual physical rewiring, they cannot, at least temporarily, relate to adults -  google it, that isn't a joke) but since I don't have anyone around to verbalise these obvious facts to me, or to tell me to stop being so stupid, well it continues to annoy me.
Rant over.
I love her more than anything, as long as she is safe, that's all I actually insist upon.

Well it's Saturday Night - what does it hold in store for our hero? I suspect fermented grapes might be involved...

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.” - Thomas Jefferson

 

“I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.” - Edgar Allan Poe

Holiday eh?
It barely stopped raining all week, and it's still so cold and grey. I've hardly left the house and I'm so very bored and broke. Of course about 20 seconds after arriving back at work next week, I'll be craving to be back on "holiday"
Billie is also on holiday, and getting lots of rain too there in Florida, and she too seems bored. She doesn't seem to be having a good time, and she's got another two weeks to go too!

Driving along at 70mph in the rain the other day, some wood fell of a truck in front of me, it hit the car and then I drove/bumped over it. Don't you dread that feeling as you get out to check for damage... amazingly not even a scratch, how lucky!

It's very late/early. Perhaps tonight's (last nights?) Twilight Zone marathon wasn't the best idea....

Here's something new - an embedded 8tracks playlist. I finally hit 100 "followers" yesterday, nothing by Internet standards, but by my own, huge!

Burt... from yakkowarner on 8tracks.

“One dog barks at something and a hundred bark at his sound”- Chinese Proverb

“I don't even know what street Canada is on.” - Al Capone

I discovered I had around 20 or so "unpublished" blog posts. Most are drunken ramblings, and deserve to stay forgotten, a few are sort of interesting.

One, from 2008, was simply this song lyric, which today seems strangely relevant...


"And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go I."

“He makes a July's day short as December” - William Shakespeare

"Well, you can tell me now. I'm reasonably sober." 


Apparently it's July.
I only bring this up because the only evidence for that statement is what my classic movies calender is "telling" me (July is "The Birds" by the way, I love that film).
It has rained in almost biblical volumes, for what seems like forever, it is hovering on the edge of freezing (but I absolutely refuse to put the central heating on!) and the sky is perpetually grey. In fact grey pretty much sums up everything these days - neither light nor dark, happy nor sad.

Speaking of all things miserable, I was very much looking forward to the new series of "Wallander" last night. When I say "looking forward" I of course mean "anticipating wallowing in Scandinavian melancholy".
At first I was worried that Kurt had ruined everything by finding some degree of happiness. What a relief as the bodies started piling up and the existential angst began to drown proceedings.
Now I can once again fall asleep in a wine induced stupor, and claim I'm simply aping one of our most beloved knights of the realm.

I'm on holiday this week. I've already had the much anticipated blood test - woo hoo!
Now the next highlight is fixing the squeaky floorboards in my dining room. Y
ou may be reading this at some future point, relishing the knowledge that your author drowned/was electrocuted in a drilling through a pipe/cable incident.
Remember me fondly...

"Pa's selling weapons to the Red Army Faction,
I burn myself in public just to get a reaction"