Charlie Don't Surf!

Well my body is recovered.

Unfortunately I have nothing to say, so short post. except - (joke).
Myspace is a bit of a time thief isn't it, I've got no real friends(!) as such but my profile always seems to need another tweak.
What happened to Winter? It's bloody spring tomorrow and we only had a wee bit of snow (no not the yellow type). I'm not complaining though us decrepit old geezers can thank global warming for saving us a bit on the heating bill! and if the end times are really coming soon (get the title now?) I can stop worrying about being lonely!

Quote for today - “Friends are God's apology for relations.” Hugh Kingsmill

"As far as I'm concerned, there won't be a Beatles reunion as long as John Lennon remains dead.”

Hello (koff.. koff..) being stuck at home for a couple of days makes a dull life duller. However I thought I'd better post, before I lose the habit.
I bought a new reclining computer chair last week, as I unexpectedly had some spare cash. All this means however is now I can fall asleep in front of the pc, but now in slightly more comfort.

(ever notice that when women are ill it's an inconvenience, but when men are ill it's the end of the world ! - I was going to say Götterdämmerung or Ragnarök but that would have been pretentious - chuckle)

What is it that defines us?
Is it where we live? what we wear? what we read? what we listen to (both opinions and music)? what comes out of our mouths? Am I the same person as when I lived in a different house and wore different clothes? Blimey, I've gone all existential, it seems , but meaning is a construction of the mind - Hang on , where's this going ? - get back to the other stuff. (OK)

I'm dreading returning to work, I've got that last day of the summer holidays feeling , plus all the tension there, and I've got a single night shift this week (it was a deal maker weeks ago with my Ward Sister so I could get these days off - bah!) and I hate night shift!

(Plus no Billie as my "ex-wife" is on holiday - good time to be unwell I suppose. hey! I'm on the verge of deleting this whole post, as it's just moany whining, but what the hell?)

(don't you love it in movies where a single press of the delete button scraps a whole message?)

Today's Quote:

"All generalizations are false, including this one.” Mark Twain

Todays post is brought to you by fevered mind productions.

“While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats.”

I am unwell - the body at least ( the mind is always on a knife edge), hence no post yesterday. All I could manage today was to watch TV and mess around with my myspace profile (now I just need some friends!), so actually a pretty normal day!

I was at work yesterday and each day the mood worsens.
Sickness is always higher when stress is up , so we must have a lot of stressed staff. It's like a scene from Beau Geste, with me propping up the bodies of fallen comrades, to give our enemies (Bed Managers, Matrons, A/E, and GP's) the impression of strength. I even had the Matrons bleep for three bloomin' days in a row! Me! the man who can barely organize his way out of bed in morning, never mind have the fate of a whole surgical department in his hands!

I'm tired - I wonder who will triumph tonight, my illness, my insomnia, or my dark mood, Lordy! I could do with some sleep.

I leave you with a mighty fine quote:

“There are only two people who can tell you the truth about yourself - an enemy who has lost his temper and a friend who loves you dearly.” Antisthenes

(and btw the title is another Mark Twain quote)

With the lights out, it's less dangerous...

Hello again!
Sorry for posting again so soon, but I found so many other good quotes from Kurt Cobain for my last post, I just wanted to share a few more:

“I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.”

"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are”

"The worst crime is faking it”

"I'm so happy because today I found my friends- they're in my head”

"Rather be dead than cool”

Well he didn't get what he wanted with that last one, as he's up there with Jim Morrison in the dead popstar (also a great song by Altered Images) Pantheon. Actually they both share a similar turn of phrase don't ya think, although Cobain didn't have the poetic quality of Morrison
see you soon!

Back, and to the left... back, and to the left... back, and to the left.

"Something is rotten in the state of Denmark"

Work continues to worsen. Apart from an imminent "change list" which everyone is dreading, sickness is getting worse, stress is up and beds only stay empty for the blink of an eye. It's like the last days of the Roman empire, there are signs of a former glory and imperial splendour, but everything is decaying, and there are Barbarians at the gate.

Also tonight I am really angry with my ex-wife (saying that makes me feel like some ex-cop in a gritty crime drama!) I just do not get enough access to my daughter. My ex-wife is like a phantom to me (and I don't mean like the first Mrs. de Winter) , she does not talk to me, I only see glimpses of her, moving behind frosted glass, or half seen through venetian blinds (as I'm not allowed into her home, I have to wait in the street) and I think she keeps this distance partially to limit my opportunities to ask for more, time that is. Or maybe I'm just paranoid.

Speaking of which, I really miss chatting to my friend Claire, and now it seems that our past messages on LastFM have vanished! Logic says this is probably automatic, paranoia tells me she is trying to eradicate me, (in which case must have done something really wrong!) actually re-reading that last paragraph makes me look like some paranoid conspiracy freak! (maybe I am but no one dares tell me! lol).

I'm rambling aren't I? I really have nothing to say tonight, it's just that when I was a teenager I'd write my diary usually sometime between 11pm and midnight and it still feels kind of cosy, so I do most of posting then , (or after any red wine consumption).

Todays program was brought to you by the words, worried, bitter and paranoid. It was a production of the Childrens Television Workshop.

BTW - Claire if you happen by, Do you still want this She-Ra T-shirt ? (lol)

Oh - nearly forgot a pithy quote -

“Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you”
Kurt Cobain

p.s. I hope you get the "hilarious" link between the title, photo, and the theme of this post. Otherwise it just makes me look even more of an oddball!

free with issue one...

Quick Addendum to my last post:
I was looking for some quotes, and came across these three from Jim Morrison. Man he may have had some problems, and I'm sure he was a bit of a bastard at times but he had a ready wit and real insight:

"That's what real love amounts to- letting a person be what he really is. Most people love you for who you pretend to be. To keep their love, you keep pretending- performing. You get to love your pretence. It's true, we're locked in an image, an act”

"I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments.”

"This is the strangest life I've ever known"

More fun and games real soon y'all hear!

(Kip is irresistable isn't he? - but that hippie life! tsk tsk!)

If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour... you're gonna see some serious shit

Today isn't a good day.

First off ( and most unimportant) my Ipod decided to lose all 15,000 tracks - vanished! So my fun evening will be trying to reassemble that fine collection, 80 bloody Gb!

Next - today at work was diabolical - for various reasons. I won't go into any details (but I'm the only one who comes here anyway) lets just say the NHS is falling apart, and it seems I don't have many friends on my ward!

Lastly - and most worryingly, I can feel myself slipping back into the depression, I suffered from a couple of years ago. I know , I know , this blog is supposed to be light relief, but I've got to be honest with myself. My life is just so damn boring. If it weren't for my daughter... and I don't see her nearly as often as I'd like!

On a lighter note, to make me feel more popular, I have requested several "adds" on myspace, I began with several of my 80's heroes (worryingly none have replied yet - although I'm sure Marty McFly will in time - how droll!). I am truly sad!

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“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.” Woody Allen

Infamy ! Infamy (I know, but what else?)

The title and the picture mean nothing, except in the context of the fella on the left. Picked up cheap in the sale today, as Billie and I had a trip to the Metro-Centre. The worst thing about being divorced is not seeing her everyday, in fact today is the only day this week I will see her ! (fumes). I am a terrible parent!

Strangely when I was retyping my myspace profile just yesterday, "infamy , infamy" was a phrase I actually used, how prescient, but ultimately inconsequential.

"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.” John Lennon

He blew his mind out in a car

Greetings. My highlight of the day was doing some housework, so you can imagine how exciting the rest was ! My (admittedly rather pathetic, but all my own work!) myspace profile dissapeared, so I had to do it from scratch, bang goes the whole evening. It kind of looks ok in IE, but in Firefox (which I prefer) it goes a little haywire. Not that I've got a load of friends or something, I just wanted something presentable.
I'm off tomorrow So I could stay up all night if I wanted ( I did have the weekend off to go with my free rail ticket, but a colleague had sudden child care needs, and I'm basically a nice guy).
I really lead a rock and roll lifestyle don't I kids?

'Live Fast, Die Young and Leave a Good-looking Corpse'

...er none out of three ain't bad!

Sophisticated Boom Boom

Nowt to say really except that it's nearly 3am. I just wanted to paste a cool picture to make that last post seem less creepy, so here' a cool picture of Peggy Moffitt.
You cannae get more 60's than Peggy and the Post Office Tower in one single shot, unless Bob Dylan was climbing up it.

Now I really am going to bed, but first another Jim Morrison quote:

"Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts.”

( How I wish I'd said that!)

and Mr. H. will demonstrate Ten summersets he’ll undertake on solid ground.

There is no late news.

Since I last posted I have (rather predictably) consumed a bottle of red wine, listened to a lot of Garbage (the band, not literally) watched a movie, and doodled this little picture. If the model should pass by, it wasn't meant to be weird, I was just pleased with such a quick doodle. Hope we can speak soon !

Right! I really should go to bed.

I will leave you with a couple of quotes :

“A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts”
(proverb)
“Where's your will to be weird?”
(Jim Morrison)

I hope I die before I get old

Hello. How does this day find me? Well less stressed I suppose - but bored to distraction B.O.R.E.D. ...!

I've been shopping, and I popped into our local pawn shop / 2nd hand shop thingamajig. Whilst looking at the CDs I noticed a big pile had been deposited, obviously just put out by the frightening chav lads that work in such places. Sadly looking through them they were obviously part of someones beloved collection as they had a similar theme (late 70s mod revival and ska stuff, plus a few 60s classics, you get the picture). I pondered if some poor 40 something guy has got in to find his CD collection stolen ("phew they missed me signed Leslie Ash picture!" he says) only for it to end up sold for pennies, or did he fall on hard times and voluntarily sell them? Sad either way. And me ( hang on this isn't some metaphor for my sad and lonely life - cheeky!) I bought The Doors on DVD. (You really expected me to say I was that soldier didn't you?)

looks like my new thing is to end on a quote :

“Be good and you will be lonely”

(Mark Twain)

More News in our late Bulletin.

p.s. Oh it looks like the great masses will all become "sixties freaks" with the release of "factory girl" soon, if the tabloids can be believed ( like yeah.. ). I'm sure it'll amount to nothing more than a few pinafore dresses in top shop, Mary Janes ( I love 'em), and lots more eye make up for a few months, lets hope so, eh true believers?
(here's the Man himself with the real Edie Sedgwick)

The pretty nurse is selling poppies from a tray

Good evening ladies and gentlemen... Tonights post is brought to you by the letters R and W (as in red wine)

(I know that pictures bloody awful but it sort of fits in with my"heroic" nurse theme)

I have just arrived home from one of those awful shifts, that only other nurses understand.The kind of shift with 10 coats of fresh shit. The day began well with an arrest (actually a burst aneurysm) that ended as badly as an arrest can. Then it got worse.
If you are a nurse you'll know exactly what I mean, solidarity Sisters and Brothers! , if you're not, why man you don't know what you are missing - the lure of long hours dealing with shit of both the literal and metaphorical varieties, for little pay - irresistible !!!
The sort of shift where you should leave in slow motion with an Aerosmith power ballad playing over you as the titles roll (preferably in a John Mclane style vest - just me eh?), but in actuality you slope out an hour late unoticed, to an empty changing room (oh scene of my shame - {The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is. - George Bernard Shaw})

Well when you combine that with my already well documented bad mood from yesterday, plus a couple of other stinkeroonies equals one stressed Billy. When you can't get what you want from life a bottle of wine will help pass the time (obviously I would never give my pancreatitis patients that advice.)


I leave you with three wonderful quotes from Benjamin Franklin (I love a good quote don't you?) , the last of which sums me up to a tee :



“Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one”

“Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.”

"Some people die at 25 and aren't buried until 75.”

Theres a ghost in my house

Welcome to my 100th post, I am about to leave for work in a few seconds, so this is really just a placeholder. More Jolly fun when I return this evening.

When the musics over

I am in such a foul ,vindictive, spiteful, hateful, scornful, malevolent, rancorous, splenetic, churlish, hellish (ok ok enough) mood tonight. I want to unleash the full power of my sarcastic and insulting powers ( and believe me when goaded they are plentiful) on anyone, anyone! I am seething inside, an unseen hand is twisting my gut, twisting, twisting.

I'm just glad there is no one here with me , for surely they would be on the receiving end of a mighty earbashing. Just typing this however is having a slightly cathartic effect, but only slightly.


I just know it's no sleep again tonight!


My My the boy does go on!



"The rest is silence"

(oh! another bloody Hamlet quote - I am so f*****g pretentious)

Help!

Just a quick one - Damn! - all that work on the Myspace profile. Looks fine in IE 7, but in Firefox 2.0 it looks crapola!!! Botheration!!



(Ah Cary Grant in North by NorthWest - so cool, so suave !)



(please read yesterdays post below too )

Ticket to ride

Imagine me opening my post, and a Roger Rabbit style cartoon boxing glove pops out and smacks me in the face! Well That's how I felt when this arrived:

Luckily it was FREE, otherwise I would never have been so bold as to book it, but what a shame!
a
... and in other news, the rain today resulted in my strange hair style above, less 60's beatster, more Austin Powers, maybe it's time for a haircut?

I had two compliments this week.

My Daughters friends (she is 10) thought I was 37!

...and a patient said I had expressive hands... whoa nelly! she meant gestures! Apparently I stroke my chin when perplexed, and I know I do the supervillain finger cradling a lot , hey I got a repertoire!

No one gets out alive

I have returned!

Friends I left the safety of the blog and ventured out once again into the world of myspace.

I return bloodied and wiser (and smarting from a rather curt remark!)

I think it's time for my first Shakespeare quote, which although describing death I think, sums up my feelings for myspace (well at the moment anyway)






The undiscovered country from whose bourn

No traveler returns, puzzles the will,

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of ?

(Hamlet)


I think it's time for another funny picture,
here's a little pussy cat writing his little
Cat Blog.

We can work it out

That's enough!
I refuse to spend more than two hours learning stuff. You can teach an old dog new tricks, but it must be done slowly.
What on earth am I talking about? Why the mystery that is Myspace of course. I have been convinced that the time and effort will be worth it, but the frustration of changing one little html tag and seeing the whole page disappear has me beat - for now! (laughs maniacally!!)

I've been promised some help - but I didn't want to look completely useless, so for about the fifth time I've fiddled with tags, and colour codes, and for about the fifth time given up, but slightly wiser.

The whole philosophy of myspace is admirable and lords knows I need a social network of some kind. However looking back over my life I tend to avoid things, if I'm at all expecting a negative outcome, and it's cost me several times. So much as I fear that my pariah status will be confirmed, I'd better persevere.

What we need is a funny picture,


here's a little dog in a Beatles wig -

Picture Book

Picture Special! - for my friend Claire here's some pictures that would probably never make it into a post but are kind of fun.

and for my own indulgence a picture of the worlds second most beautiful redhead :

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er... perhaps that's a little too wierd, here's a more recent picture:

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Jive Talkin'

Another action packed day off. I won't even bore you with the details. I encountered no evidence of it being Valentines day however!

We have some of these "motivational posters" at work , they are unintentionally hilarious aren't they? That picture of me is a few months old, but I thought I had a kind of blue eyed disciple vibe going on.

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Actually I look like one of the Bee Gees!!

Whole lotta love...

Here's a vintage French Valentine, not quite my usual style but it's kinda quirky.
I really regret not sending a card now, Valentines can signify affection and attraction can't they, and I've never made any secret of that.

...and in an unrelated story - here's a couple of good value nights out. If you click on the big version , its only 5 shillings and 6d for the cheapest seats - bargain!


(don't the pacemakers look ancient? - I'll resist the obvious remark)

All you need is Love...

It poured on the way to work today. Consequently I was about to write how I loved rainy days ( so nothing like Karen Carpenter then). Then I actually began to think about the word "love" and realised its one I bandy about too much.

"I love this movie"
"I love this song"

I have been in love twice in my life. Once was twenty years ago, and the second very very recently. Love can make you feel desolate, but it can also lift you above all your everyday worries, until you are filled with so much joy, that everything you do and say seems magical and er...well you just feel so damn good!

Love to me means you think of that person as soon as you open your eyes of a morning, and they are on your thoughts last thing at night ( of course there are dreams to consider in between). Everything you do is with that person in mind, everything you say is with them in mind, the thought of them makes you smile , and the anticipation of them makes your pulse race, and your heart leap in your chest.
If I died tonight I could be content that I'd felt like that twice!

My two favourite quotes regarding Love :

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"
Nature Boy - Nat "King" Cole

"And in the end, the love you take
Is equal to the love you make..."
The End - the Beatles

If you think about it , they both essentially mean the same.

What's brought all this on?

Well it's Valentines Day next week isn't it? I usually hate that day. It makes us singletons feel more single, and us lonely 'uns feel lonelier. I have never had a Valentines Card.
However I was this close:
to sending a card this year. My glue and scissors were prepared, my printer was revved up, and I'd begun to think about designs, but ...


Anyway as a great man once said,
a
be young....
be foolish....
be lucky in love!

"Hey, you won't interfere with the basic rugged concept of me personality, will you madam?"

Well this is new, a post to one particular person that's not me - Claire of course!
(this seems to be the best conduit to communicate with you at the moment)

I'm so relieved you mentioned your interview, I was sure you'd have heard the same day! and I'd (pessimistically) assumed no news was bad news.
to quote:

"it just depends if they want to employ an old fuddy duddy who will just do the job and go home, or a dynamic and enthusiastic young staff nurse as myself!"

that first character sounds a bit familiar... hang on it's me!

I think you are mistaking wit for a lapse into sarcasm, this blog functions more like a reflective diary than anything else, hence the moaning, the bleakness, but also the faint ray of optimism !
Enjoy what you do! XXX

by the way I never ever want to be referred to as the dude!

Are you ready boots?

If there was ever a fella at more of a loose end than me, it must have fallen off and rolled under the sofa by now. There's so much I could be doing, and one day all that decorating, DIY and other stuff may get done. But man does not live by bread alone (actually he could literally and figuratively - but that's another story) maybe I need a hobby, one that involves the real world and people.

I finally figured out how to get my Ipod to communicate with LastFM. Now all the melancholy tunes I listen to on the trip to work can add to my track count. Music is the thing that keeps me sane. I cannot abide silence due to tinnitus, and it's been so long now that my free time has not had a soundtrack that it's absence makes me feel uneasy. Plus I'm addicted to lastfm - must... play... more... tracks!... (must be read ala Shatner)

Anyway here's one of may favourite songs,combined with a fantastic clip (can you see a pattern developing in my musical choices? isn't YouTube sublime, it can even cheer me up - for a moment)

Custard Pie Appreciation Consortium

I only know one person who'll get that title - but it made me chuckle (mind you theres a bloody great giveaway above !)

It's the middle of the night. It's getting very cold.

I'm the Dude, so that's what you call me. Or maybe His Dudeness, or Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

Mmmmm. No surprises here - another typical day off for the dude! (sorry I've just watched The Big Lebowski). A little bit of shopping, no housework, tea with Billie, walking the streets with a dour expression and my Ipod on shuffle, Music and a DVD.

You know the cruel thing about being 40 is I know all the things, and have all the skills I desperately needed at 25, but it's too late to do anything with them.
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I'm dying to hear how Claire's interview went, but I dare not speculate!

Well here's a fab clip of Scott Walker on the Dusty Springfield show - it doesn't get more classic 60's than that!

(I may go to Aldi in my pyjamas tomorrow)

Luck be a Lady Tonight

Lion-O faces a tough interview panel!

Here's a special post for my very good friend Claire. It's a big day for her tomorrow and with my new found Haiku skills, here's a second effort to wish her well. (I'm off to summon some good vibrations)


Beauty hair of red,


travels far to find new peace,


not luck but skill wins.

I'm bored! ... I'm chairman of the bored !

Days off come and go .


Tomorrow will be so cold.


Soon it will be spring





my first ever Haiku! it started as a meaningless ramble, then I noticed the syllable count was almost right - YouTube, poetry and one of my digital masterpieces - ain't I diverse !

Happiness Is A Warm Gun

Billy vs The Chav nation episode V : enter The Beatles

The Apple inc vs Apple Corps story is interesting isn't it?
The outcome means that an ALL Beatles top 10 is now an almost certainty sometime this year. I'm a huge fan but being a music snob, I'm also dreading the great Chav community being exposed to the beloved back catalogue. This time next year will the average Ned be wearing a Nehru suit and humming Dr Robert? I hope not? Will my "turn me on dead man" t-shirt be as ubiquitous as Burberry? Will it mean an end to ridiculous baby names, and a rise of little John, Paul, George and Ringos' ? (or Rita, Lucy and Sadie for the lasses?)

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy...All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy...All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

HERE'S JOHNNY!!!
Damn it, for someone with no money, I sure am materialistic. Which means I've bought more DVDs ! I recently was eulogising that "things" don't make you feel any better (well maybe for a little while anyway)but it seems I can't follow my own advice. But they were so cheap, and classics too!
"excuses - have their uses, but now they're all used up , all used up".

(can you guess what DVD I bought? - there are two not so subtle clues above)

Te futueo et caballum tuum

Sorry I knew this would happen ! That last video reminded me of how much I love this song, It was the first time I'd seen this clip, and while the song remains in my all time top songs (it's fantastic) the visuals are so tepid and twee it's almost ruined.
I'm sure Nancy is supposed to represent some ethereal muse like figure , but she's just pure sixties "bird" ( boy I'm a sucker for false eyelashes though!), whilst Lee looks like you middle aged friends sleazy boyfriend (albeit on horseback), but he sure writes a mean tune.
I'm off to get Lee Hazlewood further up my lastfm top 10 (or maybe sleep)

(you just know that I'm going to post loads of videos now - well it beats moaning I suppose, but for how long?)

Thanks for the comment Claire - Say hi to your Brother from me

Semper in excremento, sole profundum qui variat

This blog was getting so boring I'm resorting to a gimmick - YouTube links ! Why didn't I think of this before. This could get addictive! Nancy and Lee Rule (Nancy Sinatra is not my type at all, but sometimes she looked fantastic, and that hair it can't be real can it?).

Late News - Dammit - I had a comment! Down there, I feel like Crusoe discovering footprints in the sand... Someone is out there!

Are you lonesome tonight?

Yes it's only about five minutes later, but I've thought of something I wanted to say. I've just been looking at my friends myspace page. Apart from being fantastic (which she is), it sums her up perfectly. It's colourful, dynamic, full of life, and ever changing ( that really does sound like her actually).

Now compare it with my stately blog - plodding, introspective, isolated and dusty (remind you of anyone)? Weird eh? and no coincidence I suspect.

Perhaps thats why Myspace frightens me so much. It reminds me of all the things I'm bad at, and of all the things I long for.

Here endeth the lesson (goodnight!)

(Oh and Claire should you pass by this quiet corner of the internet, I hope everythings ok with you, I suspect that you're just having a really good time!)

" Oh, don't take it personally! " " I've got to there's no one else in the room!"

Well, I haven't really got anything to say.

It's been a bummer of a day , work was well... awful! but details are not required, I'll remember.

Emotionally I'm empty. I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad, in fact I feel numb. That feeling of dread I had last week just won't go away. In fact tonight it's worse than ever. At least I've got an inkling as to what's making it worse now.

You know I don't know why I even bother with this blog any more, I'm tempted to scrap it ! but it can be quite cathartic. Occasionally I'll re-read it and remember just how good (or bad) I felt at that moment. I bore myself sometimes with all this introspection.

Damn it , I'm trying to think of anything to say that doesn't involve me and I can't. Why don't I just be sarcastic about chav's or moan about some little equality?

I'm going to bed early, pull the quilt over me, and hope the world looks a little better at 6.15am ( .... somehow I doubt it will!)

(If you recognise that quote - you know even more crap than me)

(btw - Isn't this a great shirt?)

The Word

is :
silencioso

Computerwelt

Computers ,"they are my curse, they are my blessing". We had a day without computers at work. I don't mean it was like a casual Friday, no it was Sunday so "they" thought an upgrade could be snuck in ( for digital x-rays I believe - about time too). Anyway this meant we were thrown back to the 80's, but not in a cool Marty McFly, no in a write everything down, bloody time consuming way. I'd forgotten how laborious giving out medication was before everything went shiny and electronic. And today we had to physically collect blood results from the lab! how quaint !
At home though I'd probably go crazy without my PC. It's my window on the world, remember I'm a border line shut in (who only yesterday compared himself to Norman Bates!! lol) .

" I think I must have one of those faces you can't help believing. "

Blimey Charlie , six or so hours later and I'm seething. That darn ex-wife of mine! I won't go into boring details, but I received 2nd hand instructions to buy a pair of boots for my daughter tonight, so I ended up speaking to her on the phone for the first time in a long time. Crikey! it were nasty, It reminded of all the things I don't miss about marriage!(actually there's nothing left now I DO miss!) Anyway like any other normal guy , it's after midnight on a Saturday and here I am blogging , and listening to the soundtrack to Psycho! - Thank goodness my house doesn't have a cellar ( oh and my mothers still alive! I forgot that redeeming detail!!)


(please click on this picture - it's so groovy it must be seen large - Mr Hitchcock plus lovely 60's lady outside Norman Bates' house in 1962 - what more could you ask of a picture?)

Are all men from the future loud-mouthed braggarts? Nope. Just me baby... Just me.

Gee, was that two days since my last post? Well did I get some perspective? Well actually I did. I had a lovely evening with my daughter (and she is staying over tonight). Today at work I had an excellent shift, not too many admissions and some nice company. Isn't it great how some people are just "Nice" , I don't mean bland, no! I mean that just knowing you'll be working with them, means you don't dread a shift (of course people of an "inverse" nature exist too - shudder). My friend Lesley whom I work with is one such person, she''l listen to my crap and I nearly always feel better afterwards, and she works damn hard. Anyway I'm sure I was here to make a point? Oh it seems I have ! I feel Okay. How long will it last?


(Right this goes from the Billy sleep journal to The Billy self help page! - oh and I heartily recommend violence and lots of it to lift the mood, I was playing on my PS2 for the first time in weeks last night, I'd forgotten how cathartic big explosions , and kicking the virtual crap outta someone can be!!)

"One final thing I have to do . . . and then I'll be free of the past"

mmmm... I was about to launch into some introspective rant about how sad I am (boo hoo) etc.
But instead I really should look on the positive side:

Right what are my good points?
I'm a fairly interesting kind of guy. I have some opinions, not many mind, but enough. I'm open minded, I see both sides, I have a quick wit (given the right sparring partner) I have good taste (Vertigo is my favourite film, I love The Beatles, and I hate ignorance and reality TV), I am a bit snobby, just enough mind.
I am OK looking, I'm long past my prime of course , but I'm not repugnant. I'm six foot two, I'm sensitive and empathic, and apparently I can be quite thoughtful given the chance. I watch House MD, and understand the medical terms. I enjoy kitsch, I laugh out loud at Carry On films, I cry at sad movies ( see Shawshank Redemption post lol). I'm actually looking forward to John Travolta in the hairspray remake , I make valentines cards, and I'm good with a pen and a pencil ( see : wit!).
I contemplate the universe, but I can be shallow, very shallow. I enjoy shopping, and I feel at ease in Marks and Spencer's (even the ladies underwear section !)
I like musicals, I know the words to West Side Story, I like ABBA and the MC5, Jefferson Airplane and Starship ! (ok well maybe only as a gulity pleasure!)

I know when to shut up , and when to listen. I care about others (I'm a bloody Nurse!) I don't suffer fools, Ned's are my enemy! I'm fantastically sarcastic. I know stuff! (useless stuff but fun stuff), I would like to drive a Thundertank or a Batmobile (rather than my Fiat Panda).

The negative side:
I'm also moody, a "little" paranoid, self destructive, a procrastinator, and I'm fantastically sarcastic ( that can be good and bad- see).

Well that was cathartic (if very self centred). I think I'm going to go away for a while to try and get some perspective.

( Oh... and Claire, should you read this :
a) you look completely fabulous in your new photo
b) Sorry for being a grumpy bastard
c) you look completely fabulous in your new photo )

an aside - You know I went to San Francisco twice whilst married and my ex wife wouldn't even consider a Vertigo Tour - talk about a wasted opportunity!

The Future

Well , now I'm moping again. A whole day off and what was the highlight? ...er nothing really. I've been reading a book (which in itself is amazing) and it's made me question a few things.
Now now let me get serious for a second! The book has made me question a few things about my life, it is pretty directionless ( yes since my divorce etc etc blah blah blah ) I have just about enough ability to manage in my job (it is quite demanding but I can manage, but I have zero ambition, and I know that the rewards are not worth the extra burden of responsibility - plus I like to maintain my friend to all persona - management is not for me) anyway I'm wandering. Purpose yes, I used to seek solace in things, but things are just things after all. This nameless book has made me realise I need some sort of direction, and that I am dwelling on the past far too much (something I was already far too aware of - I spend most of my time in some sort of reflection) It's probably just the time talking ( it's about 2.30am) , and I'm listening to cheery Leonard Cohen - hence the title of the post .

Maybe the dread from earlier in the week was this all along, my cold never developed beyond a few sneezes thankfully - boy I really am rambling - to bed NOW! ( I promise some fun stuff next time - probably)

BTW this fine picture, although tenuously representing the future, is just to lift an otherwise thoroughly depressing posting!