“Tact consists in knowing how far to go too far” - Jean Cocteau

I'm this far (picture a very very small distance) from being completely bonkers. Living on my own I blame. Studies seem to confirm it :

 http://jech.bmj.com/content/60/6/468.abstract

 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mobileweb/1969/12/31/living-alone-death-risk_n_1106229.html

http://www.biomedcentral.com/1471-2458/7/335

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/04/health/research/04risks.html

http://www.newscentre.bham.ac.uk/press/2005/11/marriage_health_press_release_08_11_05.shtml

...and they were just the first few I came across on google!

Proof of my opening statement? Well if my gradual detachment from society weren't enough for you, how about this?
I've become increasingly obsessed that my upstairs (not a metaphor, I mean of my house) is going to collapse. Especially with the recent strong winds we've being having here in the delightful North East.
I know it's ridiculous, (and thank goodness for that, or it would be full blown psychosis) but every creak, groan or noise heralds an imminent disaster to my fruit cake mind. That's all I'm going to say on the matter, as more detail would make me sound even more ridiculous, even typing this is making me aware of how silly I sound, so it's probably a good thing eh? a catharsis?

I've just had 3 days off and apart from my Mams house, I haven't been anywhere, not even shopping? (what?). By the way. if you're interested,  I'm still loving my new car. It's quite the gas guzzler compared to the old Panda, but it's just so swanky, oddball and well equipped , I love it. My self destructive subconscious is no doubt looking for ways to sabotage this pleasure, even as we speak...


(you know, this post started out tongue in cheek, well a bit, but those links up there are making me quite worried about myself! not the content of them as such, more the fact I felt the need to include them!!!)

“You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy.” - Charles Manson

 

 

 

 

"Misery. Sadness. Loss of Faith. No reason to Live... This is perfect for you. "

When Billie's away (Mothers 50th birthday expedition) it becomes super apparent just how little I have going on. It's somewhere far far below something and a teensy teensy bit above nothing, actually that's a lie, it's nothing.

It would be so easy for me to develop a drinking problem, and as I already have an eating problem, that seems the obvious place to go. I look forward to the slight change in outlook alcohol produces, and it's only being at work that stops me drinking every night.  I'm not making light of real alcohol problems, but I can so easily imagine how one would start.

Internal grumpy sod status, has once again started to spill over into the 'real' world. I've been managing to keep it in check for a goodly while now, but for anyone that cares to look (apparently no one) the evidence is there if you choose to see it (ditto). I must just finish by mentioning the most ridiculous nightmares from last night. the content is unimportant and far from interesting to anybody that isn't me, no the only (marginally) interesting part is I remember walking up from a nightmare, actually in the dream. that's right I'm having 'Inception' style nightmares now - we need to go deeper!

must watch this again - soon...

Oh no, not this again - blah, blah, blah...

Talk about turnabout, well if you like. I'm feeling pretty despondent at the moment, fancy that eh? I spent most of Christmas day alone, looking into a bottle. Billie's going away on Tuesday for a week, and I've got a full week at work starting tomorrow. Plus the most depressing day of the year, and the only time I get to bed before midnight, namely New Year, is approaching. Lonely and depressed, welcome back old friends, sadly only metaphorical ones...

Time for bed

Bored, 6.15pm

a post from my phone... a bit pointless really as I'm sitting in front of my computer!

I'd forgotten Wham bars were raspberry flavoured...
(that caption could also be referring to 'Breaking Bad')

"Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho."

I really was intending to have some Christmas decorations this year.
Obviously I didn't.
Billie isn't even visiting me, so what's the point? (I am seeing her for a couple of hours later though). Despite the initial gloom of this post, I feel so much better than last Christmas, and much much better than the one before.
Now as you can imagine,I'm not a Christmassy person, not at all. However I'd like wish a Happy Christmas to anybody and everybody out there, but especially to the two friends I made, and lost, via the blessing/curse that is the Internet, namely Andrea and Barbara. Whatever you're up to, I hope it's something fun and you're surrounded by the people you love.

Feliz Navidad!

(by the way, regarding the title. I'm not about to go on a shooting spree, I simply watched one of my favourite Christmas movies , namely 'Die Hard', last night)

"It's a beautiful duck. It really is. But you see..... it's.... smiling at me!"

Well I bought that car and I really really like it. A Nissan Cube Kaizen in pearl white. It gets some strange looks but that, I think, is part of the appeal. Odd, is how I would describe myself. Not in a 'I'm Crazy me!!' kind of way just different. Not in an elitist way either, I'm not better than other people, just different.
Even Billie grudgingly admits she 'quite' likes the car now.

While I'm here, Happy Belated Birthday Barbara Hultberg. I tweeted more time appropriately, but it's the first time I've stopped by this old place since then.

 Billie and I watched 'A Christmas Story' today. Coincidently this was recommended to me by Barbara many years ago, but this was the first time we'd seen it. We enjoyed it.

Apparently it's Christmas in a few days...

"He puzzled and puzzed till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. Maybe Christmas, he thought... doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps... means a little bit more!" 

"Captain, can you stop her from bein' cheerful, please?"

Hey there!

Fooled you, I'm still as miserable as ever (well not quite ,ever)

See you after this bottle of wine...

I'm back, my weeks holiday is all but over. What did I do? Not much.
Although not really an achievement as such, in the past week I've watched about 55 episodes of 'Community' my how I now adore that show! I hated Alison Brie (or at least her character, Trudy) in 'Mad Men' (please come back soon , oh you are!) but she's adorable in this. The whole ensemble are fabulous, love the whole 'meta' (ugh) vibe of the show, please don't get cancelled.
Speaking of 'Mad Med' , and I was, I also enjoyed all 10 minutes of Christina Hendricks in 'Drive', (I'm a heterosexual man with a redhead fetish, what do you expect? - although she'll always be Mrs Reynolds to me, of course) what a fantastic film! (a great soundtrack too!)

Speaking of TV, 'Dexter' is hovering around Shark jumping territory. That Season finale, better have a few cats that bag pulling will be done to! I'm serious!

In actually interesting news, I'm picking up my new (to me at least) car tomorrow. The widely reviled Nissan Cube, yes I took the plunge an d spent all my savings, plus a loan, on a car that is mostly hated (especially by one 15 year old I know pretty well). I personally love them. I had to compromise and get it in pearl white though (since there are so few cars in the UK to actually buy). They were a huge huge sales flop in the UK, and apparently no more will ever be imported. I'm hoping that will give them a certain culty status in the years to come (chances are it's the last car I'll ever buy). Meanwhile in North America and Japan they are literally driving out of the showrooms, literally, how else would they leave? I could have said flying? never mind.


Back to work on Thursday, I'm not dreading it, but something doesn't feel right. I've pretty much ALWAYS got a vague sense of dread, it's just a little beefed up these past few weeks.

Hey, I know you love hearing about my haircuts - So er, I got a haircut. I haven't been to this barbers for about 20 years, but the usual place was shut. I'm actually very happy with what they did.
Should I go for a new facial hair configuration to go with it though? I've had this full beard since we got back from Florida in April.
Time for a change? A Van Dyke? the old soul patch? a moustache?
The big beard does do such a great job of hiding my face though...

"Well, my time of not taking you seriously is coming to a middle."

“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”

Why hello! I'd almost forgotten about this dusty corner of the Internet!
I'm on holiday this week, consequently I'm quite quite bored, and that leads to , well miserable stuff.
But not quite yet.

Nothing is happening, nothing has happened, nothing will happen, but hey, so what.

Oh wait, Billie is moving house this week, that's important. From next week she'll be staying with me more, as she's not entirely enamoured at the new family dynamic. Silver linings eh?

My quest for an affordable Nissan Cube continues. Billie still hates them, and everyone else too it seems, everyone but me. I'd like to get one before Christmas as it'll be like a present to myself, awww!

I've been watching a lot of TV to pass them time. Dexter, once my favourite show, is well floundering a bit , let's hope the last two episodes of this season reel me back in (they will). My new discovery is "Community" one of those whip smart, pop culture quoting sitcoms I love. Sadly it looks like it'll be cancelled soon, just as I arrive. One door opens, another closes eh?

“Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.” - Steven Wright (Happy Birthday)

“When I was your age, television was called books.”

Gordon Bennett!
It's been weeks since I 'wrote' anything. Now I bet you're assuming I've been on some crazy wild adventure, and now I'm back to tell you all about it? Absolutely right!

Oh, actually I was thinking of someone else. Bugger all, that's what's happened, and I couldn't be bothered to say it until this chilly Wednesday morning, chilly because my gas is turned off, albeit temporarily.

I had a nasty ear infection, my hearing is only just starting to return in my right ear. For several days I was very worried, however foolishly, that the hearing wouldn't return, honestly. I'd assumed it was wax, and before seeking medical advice had hoked and poked, and plied my ears with all sorts of drops. I was worried I'd actually damaged them, but thankfully, as usual, I was wrong. Just a couple of days ago, I was so dizzy and wobbly that I couldn't even drive.

My 'troubles' at work are still to be resolved, and it seems it'll be weeks, maybe even after Christmas, before any kind of decision is made. I do know that my job is safe at least.

I decided not to even bother with the Christmas Night out this year. Last year I was so miserable that I was back home by 10pm, and I walked! So why even bother? let the transformation to total crazy shut in complete itself (almost, I was out for 50 minutes in July, I seem to recall). I can't tolerate people any more, and people can't tolerate me. Maybe sometimes we get what what we deserve, I don't believe that for one second, but it felt like a good way of finishing...

"There are three golden rules for bringing up children. Alas, no one knows what they are." - Adela Bradley

“When you're finished changing, you're finished.” - Benjamin Franklin

I'm so very very worried about what's happening at work.
Oh I never went into details did I? Remember 'the incident', when I was on nights? Well it is far from resolved. There is an 'investigation'. For the past few weeks, I've been waiting for a meeting, which is this very Tuesday, at last! My useless, and apparently representativeless (that word didn't previously exist I'm thinking)  union, assures me is only 'fact finding'. Well as long as those facts aren't my sacking, I should be okay. I've never been so worried about future events, not that I can recall. Eek! (sorry that all may sound flippant, but I'm sincerely terrified).

In probably more important news, Billie has had something of a falling out with her Mother. By something , I mean bloody bloody major!
It seems Billie is not at all okay with the current domestic arrangements at 'home'. Her Mother, for whatever reason, consequently told her to come and live with me! Thanks!
The most terrifying aspect of this sea change would not be the required chucking of my slovenly routine, but having to discuss money with my ex-wife, gulp. And am I a good enough parent?
In actuality , it'll meant that Billie will probably be staying with me a couple of nights a week from now on, I can get used to that.
Although, thinking about it,  I may have to actually start shopping, and develop a few good habits - the horror! the horror!

“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.”

"I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze!"

It appears I'm still alive, empirically at least. If I can be bothered, more words later today (assuming wine is available)...

I've just  rediscovered the following post, unpublished and forgotten, dating from about two weeks ago. This was a bad bad day...



I hate myself. No that's a bit strong, I dislike myself, memo to everyone else - your were right!
I hate this blog, at least at the minute. I used to love this blog, when I was in love, it was for romantic outpourings. Now it's where I tell an indifferent world I'm mentally ill...

I've been on holiday for two weeks, it's been awful. To be honest it was marginally better than being at work but only just. Fourteen identical days, where only the vague promise of alcohol, got me through.
Tonight I'm on the edge of tears, thankfully, the right edge , but anything, a slight draft even, could push me over to the other side. I don't like me. I hope to change that opinion one day.

I've had an awful temporal headache for something like three months now. Headaches make you miserable. Headaches make you irritable. Give me some slack.
The optician says my prescription is right, yet my glasses make it worse. She's referred me to my GP.
If it's all 'in my head' , which of course it literally is (hey it's a headache), I'm crazier than I thought.
It's no coincidence I have no friends, and a family who merely tolerate me... I haven't felt this low since I was off sick last year, contemplating what we all ultimately contemplate.

I heard from work today that my recent 'incident' is to be investigated, consequently I'm temporarily off nights, something that in other circumstances, I'd be celebrating.
Maybe this will turn out alright, maybe Billy will find true love, maybe bacon will resurrect and find wings...

I'm pathetic, but in mental and physical pain. maybe that will make you feel better about your own life. See,  every cloud ...

“The world is a fine place and worth the fighting for and I hate very much to leave it.” - Ernest Hemingway

The long gap between posts, was for once, not due to lack of content. No the reference to 'important stuff' in my last but one post was namely, the worsening health of Billies Grandma. For the moment, my petty concerns are just that - petty (and even more irrelevant than usual).

About 10 days ago, or so, Billie went with her Mam to visit her in ICCU in Bristol.
She came back home last week ,  her Grandma sadly, died later that same day.
I'm no believer in an afterlife, but I hope she found some ease, some rest.

When she was my my Mother-in-Law, she, like most people, neither liked nor understood me. Things had improved a bit towards the end of my married life, but she was still not a fan I suspect.

Billie is handling her death very well, she really is growing up. She's staying strong for her Mam I suspect, who was very close to her own Mother. They were very alike, in many ways.
Selfishly, Billies support means I'm seeing even less of her than usual, but this is one reason even I can't balk at.
I hope everyone involved can find some peace.

Next time - more of the usual rubbish...


“We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master” - Ernest Hemingway

There was a boy, A very strange enchanted boy...

"The greatest thing
You'll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved
In return"

I just had to post this video,
but while I'm here, I simply must take a moment to praise the finale of "Breaking Bad", such a strange combination of stillness, tension and excitement, 10 out of 10...

"Harry, I have no idea where this will lead us, but I have a definite feeling it will be a place both wonderful and strange..."

"Your name is sung and tattooed now on my heart
Here I will carry, carry, carry you,
forever"

Well well, here I am again.
As is often the case, I'm slightly drunk, which is only just taking the edge of my ever so bad mood. An 'incident' at work has left me feeling even more isolated. Whilst not totally free from blame, no one was keen to stand up for me, so be it. So that's the start to my 'holiday' , worrying about the crap awaiting me when I 'return'.

By the way, now I hate nights EVEN MORE! Who'd have thought!

Important stuff is happening elsewhere, and it would be crass and demeaning to mention it here in Billy Hopkinsons emotional dump ( but you know what I'm talking about, don't you?) (btw - I mean me, future readers, I'm the 'you', if you see what I mean?).

Two weeks off, I know I'll waste it, and so do you. So many things I could and should be doing...

"Sleep deprivation is a one-way ticket to temporary psychosis." - Dale Cooper 

"You know what? Copernicus called and you are NOT the center of the universe!"- Frasier Crane

"There's a hole in daddy's arm
Where all the money goes"

Until I inevitably get bored, I'm resurrecting the song lyrics intros, I rather liked them...

 I'm such a sloth, a top procrastinator. My solution to most problems is to ignore them until they go away. As you can imagine this rarely pays off.

Of course this is all an oblique, well not very, reference to my ongoing visual problems.

On Sunday the headache was so bad I simply went to bed. I didn't wear my new glasses for two days, but blimey, I didn't realise what a step forward they'd been, I couldn't read roadsigns, and driving in the dark, in fact doing anything in the dark, at least that involved looking, was out of the question (remember, I also have rather pathetic night vision, I can't even see stars anymore).
Yesterday, I relented and went back to the varifocals, the pain was a little better bizzarely had relocated. Because (I imagine) of using the old prescription for two day, the left eye was super blurry too (it's getting better).
Now you dear reader, you would have popped off to the opticians, all righteous but level headed, and got this sorted out.
I obviously didn't. Thanks to a strange confluence of shifts, it'll be over a week until I can get there - cue lots of painkillers, lots and lots of whining and self pity (but in all honesty the pain is real and quite bad)
I'm just going to get my eyes retested and start from scratch. The real stinger is the nearly £400 I paid for two pairs, gulp!

It's payday today, after a long long five weeks. I got so close to being overdrawn, this close (holds up fingers, really quite close together). It's like a bouncing ball, each month the bounce is a little less, until, hang on for this metaphor to work, the ball would have to start tunnelling underground, wouldn't it? Oh well it worked up to a point.

Note, despite bemoaning a lack of funds, it didn't stop me from finally picking up the 'Lost' blu-ray box set, when it finally fell below my price limit (that's £10 per season "fyi"). Now I have to face the mammoth task of actually watching it (again). I for one didn't mind the ending, I thought the journey was more important than the destination, if you see what I mean. I fondly recall the weekly post viewing analysis with Barbara, when Lost (and to some extent me) was in it's heyday.
Come on it wouldn't be a proper post without at least one veiled or totally not veiled reference to Canada, eh? (absolutely no pun intended - honest!)

My how she's changed, but I really like this album in all its big haired pomposity - but this video, well it is really quite dreadful...

 

“Small children give you headache; big children heartache” - Russian Proverb

Hellooooo 1980s!

Title To Be Announced...

Nothing terrible happened, nothing good happened either, mind you.

I'm killing time until I start work at 14.30! We're starting a new shift today which entails a later start and less days off. It's not a popular change, with me or pretty much anyone else I've spoken too. Did I mention less days off?

I found a piece of old Christmas card pushed through my letter box. On the back was written 'Jesus loves you'. I imagine everyone in the street got one. Was this a nice gesture? Or do you see something more sinister? Remember I am a devout atheist.

I've temporarily given up on the new glasses! ("Oh no, not this  again!" you may be saying to yourself, and I can't really blame you) until I can see (ha, there we go again!) the optician again. It all boils down to clear sight and a headache, versus slightly blurred everything versus a sweet sweet lack of headacheyness. Some choice.

I had yet another outbreak of nostalgia last night, and ended up scrolling through a load of old photos. When combined with wine this can only have one outcome - Bad! Poor old Billy...

“When two elephants fight, it is the grass that gets trampled”

Oh no, it's another one of those days. Pit of the stomach, mind churning, doom gloom days...



I saw the optician (no pun intended), and I'm pretty sure she just thinks I'm mad. She couldn't find anything wrong.  All I know is that a few minutes of wearing my new glasses results in pain in the right eye and temple. My old glasses - nothing!

My days off went by in a mundane flash. Off to work in a minute...

“I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!” - Bill Watterson

“Bad is called good when worse happens” - Norwegian Proverb

Having a constant headache finally drove me to action, a little one at least, namely an optician appointment on Wednesday.

My attempt to stay up really really late last night was scuppered, mostly by being at work for around 14 hours yesterday, combined with being an out of shape middle aged man, I woke up, somewhat bewildered, in front of the computer around 2.30am , and somehow managed to get myself to bed. 
Rather cruelly, I woke up at 8am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep.
So I'm sitting here, almost literally killing time until I go to work tonight, wide awake but also completely knackered.
I really can't explain my awful relationship (make up your own jokes) with night shift, and I'd like to. All I need to (apparently continually) say is I dread it, almost to the point of inaction (although casual observers would not notice any difference to my normal behaviour). I don't know how it started, it's enough that it did. The one good thing is, when it's over, I actually feel quite uplifted (but let's not get carried away, it's just a temporary aberration)

More importantly, I dreamt of Barbara again last night. You'd really think that I'd have stopped all that by now, wouldn't you? But for I haven't, make of that what you will.
It seems all my dreams are dominated by two overarching themes now , namely  'decay' and 'regret' , (potential Nine Inch Nails album title?). Where are all those fun dreams I used to have? eh? eh?

Time to iron a uniform...

“A man grows most tired while standing still.” - Chinese Proverb

“More and more, it feels like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself.”

I'll soon reach post number 730! That means it's only around 365 posts since I mentioned I was nearly at post 365, if you see what I mean. In short you could read two posts a day for a whole year and not run out (except maybe the will to live) ! That's very nearly a pamphlet, if a hard copy existed, which thankfully, it doesn't.

As I tweeted about 60 seconds ago, I've still got a headache. It's lasted around four months, which is exactly how long I've been wearing these damn varifocals. I really wish I'd never bothered.

Billies house has a 'For Sale' up, imagine how delighted 'Mr. Insecure' was to see that (I mean me, I hope you realise - you did didn't you? eh?).

It looks like a new car is so far off the menu, it's on, well, another menu, in another restaurant, probably in another time zone. At least for now - evil laugh! Actually maybe three or four months, want that vagueing up a bit more?

Monday night, my absolute favourite thing - Night Shift! I shall say no more about it except there was a major lie in that last sentence. Can you guess what it was?

I finally had to bite the bullet, and put on the central heating tonight - in September!

Billie stayed over tonight. Sadly all we did was her homework. That's because Saturday she has yet another party, and Sunday, watching a football match (ugh!). Sadly Dad time comes a distant third, but I'd happily be third than not placed at all...

“We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens.” - Chuck Palahniuk

“I have an unfortunate personality.”” - Orson Welles

Humbug, I'm feeling extra grumpy, supremely  disconnected (what's new?) and at odds with the whole darn world tonight. Earlier this week I found out from Billie that her Mams Boyfriend and his Daughter are already living with them. What bothers me most about that, irrationally I'll admit (hey, that's one of my, many, middle names), is that I hardly get to see Billie, these teenage days, and now someone I don't even know is, well, seeing her more than me, just jealousy I suppose, another of my talents (or is it envy?)

I need a new car and I really like the Nissan Cube. Sadly Billie hates them, and threatened to never get in if I get one, clumsy sentence but true. I imagine that her need for a lift would eventually force her in, but I respect her wishes enough to have to think twice now. Actually that should be think thrice, as I was already wondering how I was going to afford , the already second-hand, car. If I were to get the car my chances of a holiday (or indeed food) would be low to zero, for the next few years, so maybe she's doing me a favour. 

Re-reading those two paragraphs has made me feel better - they're complete tripe. I'm being a selfish, self righteous prig, as usual. I really should lighten up , and maybe just maybe get out of the house once in a while...

“The enemy of society is middle class and the enemy of life is middle age.” - (More) Orson Welles

"How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world."

I hope I can crawl my way out of this one. I woke up actually feeling worse than last night. My stomach feels like it's washing rocks on a slow spin cycle. I don't feel especially unwell, at least physically, just bleak, forgotten, and quite pointless (maybe unnecessary is a better word?).
I know, I'm quite pathetic, and not in the demanding sympathy sense, but it's  my post, and I'll cry if I want to!

Now it's off to work, it doesn't cheer me up as such, but I can put 'this' on the back burner for a few hours whilst I'm cleaning commodes...

“Anyone who works is a fool. I don't work - I merely inflict myself upon the public.” - Robert Morley

I drove down a rarely travelled (at least by me) road today. 

Since I last passed that way, a school had been demolished, and was obviously being developed for housing. When I was still married, I could see this school in the distance from my bedroom window, but that isn't the important part of my rambling. It suddenly popped into my head that I'd been in that school before. It was over 20 years ago, when I was a Student Nurse, and I followed a Community Nurse around for a few weeks. I was a lot thinner and had a huge quiff. I must have looked quite amusing to the pupils, they followed me around and called me 'Mr Nurse' as if it was the funniest thing ever. It probably was. I was a much nicer person then, before the first of several rots set in.

You once again find me in quite a foul mood. Apart from the usual mental illness issues, I am stony broke,and my beloved projector has packed in again. Furthermore I'm feeling spectacularly alone and isolated, especially these past few days (which I like to call my days off). The only time I saw Billie this week (and now it'll be the only time I see her) was a 10 minute lift to a party last night, and the return trip this morning. Now as is her wont, she's away again on a trip, and then back to School next week. What a Summer we've had together. You're more likely to see me smiling than I am to see her, ie, not very much at all.

I know, I know...

I've got their one album, and it's really really good...

“We are like butterflies who flutter for a day and think its forever.” -Carl Sagan

 

“If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up.” - Hunter S Thompson

He hadn't written a single word!
Well apart from these, obviously. In a nutshell, nothings happened. Billies gone away again, and reports she can't get any phone reception, figure that one out!

I apparently can't even get drunk , as this empty bottle, and bad mood attests.

This post doen't even warrant a youtube link...

“Love sought is good, but given unsought, is better”

I really should have expanded that last entry, it didn't quite say what I wanted, at least not fully. 

I seem to be sliding backwards a long long way down whatever metaphor you are mentally conjuring up. Even Billie, who usually doesn't mention my mental state, commented today, prompting this addendum (is that the right word?). 

I'm almost embarrassed to go back to work tomorrow. From the point of view of those people out the other day, I was rejecting them by going home so early (or not). They probably didn't realise the anxiety and discomfort I was feeling, I just wanted to escape back to my comfort zone, which I suppose is the very seat I'm sitting in right now.

Like many things (one very important one in particular) , I could probably rationalise and almost fully explain my strange actions, but fear of vulnerability stops me short of laying my soul completely bare here, I merely hint enough to jog my memory at some far far future date (welcome visitor from tomorrow!). 

Put simply, I'm a depressive misanthropic shut-in borderline alcoholic (hey! I can see the border from here!).

Billie stayed with me the last couple of nights, actually the first time I've seen her in three weeks (she's been abroad again!). Her Mother was away again. She didn't 'go with' so she could see me, how nice!

I forgot to mention that her Mother is now in a serious relationship. This doesn't bother me as such, everyone deserves to be happy. No what troubled me for a few weeks (and obviously still circles the niggling camp), was the imminent house selling and moving in together. It'll feel strange collecting my Daughter from 'someone elses' house, someone who actually sees more of her than me. It's simple child like jealousy of course, but it's one of the things I'm best at!

Rereading, this still doesn't fully convey what I want to say. Listen if you're really interested, call round later in the week and I'll tell ya' all about it. 

In the section I like to call 'Inevitable News' it's the time of year where I ruminate and plan a holiday, and it doesn't happen. I've two weeks off in October, I can probably scrape together enough cash for a trip, somewhere! I recall a 'top tip' in Viz a long time ago, something along the lines of 'planning a holiday is half the fun, so this year I'm planning two and saving the money!' Think of all the cash I've saved!

More depressing minutiae soon, I imagine...

I was really looking for 'Canada In Springtime' , maybe my favourite Free Design song...

“Society is no comfort to one not sociable.” - William Shakespeare

"Bogus. Heinous. Most non-triumphant"

I was getting bored of post after post stating how bored/boring/miserable I am. Hence the long gap between posts. I've just had a very long and stressful stretch of shifts at work, and I'm completely knackered mentally and physically.

There was a ward night out tonight, and I made an effort to go, but soon after arriving, all I could think about was going home again, which I did as soon as the opportunity arose. I simply couldn't relax, it wasn't a panic attack as such, all I wanted was to get out and retreat to the security of my own company. That's it for me and other people I think, I'm doomed to be alone and for whatever reason, my subconscious seems okay with that - damn you subconscious! It's what I deserve I suppose...

“ . . . the chief proof of man's real greatness lies in his perception of his own smallness.” - Arthur Conan Doyle

“There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.” - Mark Twain

So true.
I wish I'd found this picture a few years ago.
Nothing continues to happen...

"Any time you got nothing to do--and lots of time to do it--come on up." - Mae West

Well it seems I'm not completely crazy, at least not yet.
I had an opticians appointment yesterday, and it seems there was a manufacturing error in my glasses which could (but may not) explain the headaches and blurred vision.

Billie is in Tenerife, so I almost literally have nothing to do on my days off. There's a million and three things I probably should be doing, but I'm not doing any of them, so there.

“I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.” - Mark Twain

“Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” - P.J. O'Rourke

I'm posting a lot recently, eh?
I've nothing particularly interesting to say, it just feels like half a conversation I suppose. 

How did I forget to mention my bi-annual haircut yesterday? (come on that's big news in the Billy world). It was getting really really long, and now it's really short (though not as short as you are probably imagining - what am I talking about?). For once this isn't freaking me out. It'll grow back I imagine. 

After be-moaning the lack of daughterly contact yesterday, Billie is staying over tonight. that always lifts my spirits a bit. Maybe this anxiety is just sublimated loneliness. Most of the time loneliness doesn't bother me, but, well, you know. I blew my chance with probably the best friend I'll ever have, old story (that I constantly retell myself) , you know how it goes...

“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.”

“I'm all in favour of free expression provided it's kept rigidly under control.” - Alan Bennett

Ooh, I do feel out of sorts. Still can't shift that nagging anxiety. 

I think that the blurred vision is down to those damn varifocals, they give me constant headaches, soon as I switch back to my old glasses, the headaches seem to fade away. 

Of course this could all be, and may well be, a product of my bizarre mind. 

Either way I think getting my eyes retested soon would be a good idea.

In more pragmatic events, my poor old car just barely scraped through it's MOT today. It was accompanied by a long list of  'advisorys' as long as a very long thing indeed. It may sadly be time to say goodbye to the old girl, the repairs needed are around a third of it's total value! I can probably get them done by next year, but a new selection will have surely arisen. I certainly can't afford a new car but the NHS run a leasing system that may be something I can afford.

I haven't seen that daughter of mine in an age. It's the summer holidays after all, she's all the time she needs, but there always seems to be another sleepover, party, or shopping trip! I'm just joking of course, I remember how peripheral parents seem in the teenage years, I just miss her that's all...

I promise to at least try and be a bit more upbeat next time...

no, really... 

I couldn't be friends with anyone who didn't at least like Ella Fitzgerald...

(okay maybe I could, I don't really have a lot of options...)

“I used to have nightmares that they would put 'He played Ted' on my tombstone.” - Keanu Reeves

 

New random health problem alert.
I noticed my left eye was blurred at the weekend (it's still blurred, it was the weekend that the noticing occurred), I could see but reading, at any distance, was difficult. My immediate worry was not my health, but the £350 I recently splashed out on two pairs of varifocals! I'm not going through that again (and I obviously can't afford to).
Anyway, it's getting a little better, I'm putting it down to fatigue, I really really hope that's all it is.

“Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get” - George Bernard Shaw

Just back from a very long (seemingly) shift at work. I put a tubular bandage on my ankle, it feels much better, and it's greatly reduced my limp!
I've still got that sense of dread, which I thought I'd mentioned before, but foolishly realise, I haven't. Anyway since I don't believe in the supernatural, precognition, fate, or any other premonition based malarkey, I'm obviously simply going crackers.
Weeks of disturbing dreams and now this almost unshakable sense of impending doom, completely nuts! There can be no other explanation.

I've now watched the whole of the first season of "Game Of Thrones" , and I was slowly, but inescapably ,taken over by the complexity, the production design and simply bloody good story telling. Some genuine surprises, no spoilers, and that NI scenery looks great (and I know some of it is shot in Malta, the 'sunny' bits!). Hard to believe that all the interiors are shot in the former shipyards. I'd really like to visit Belfast some day, I hear it's a great place.

I bought some second hand 'Rush' CDs which I am enjoying very much, I love being so eclectic! oh stop!
But really I must stop, or at least slow down with the CD purchasing (why?). On Wednesday of this week, I either received in the post, or bought secondhand, 17. And they weren't the only ones this week. In my defence, I never buy new (or at least full price!), but if i like music, I like to 'own' it, I have an undeniable hoarding instinct which I've somehow sublimated into CD buying these past 3 years (!). I'm rambling and giddy, I'm off to bed.  Another long stretch of days at work ahead, so you probably won't hear anything from me, until wine can be consumed once more!

I came to this song via Laura Cantrell, whom I adore, the John Prine original is great too, but youtube had no decent videos of either, so here's a nice Johnny Cash version. but if you can check the Laura Cantrell version, it's simple and heartbreaking...

“We want a few mad people now. See where the sane ones have landed us!” - George Bernard Shaw