“Men in the game are blind to what men looking on see clearly” - Chinese Proverb

"Maintiens Le Droit"


Let the rambling commence:

I am very drunk! A full bottle of wine, combined with a lack of food , lots of painkillers and the tail end of a cold I suppose. (plus a desire to be drunk, the power of subconscious desires is something I will never underestimate).
I've nothing to say really, (well I have of course but nothing of any consequence) but something about the alcohol, it either sends me deeper into what we can only call depression, or makes me want to reach out. Reach out to what, or rather who (whom?)

I've just watched (in one go!) the entire run (a whopping three episodes) of the BBCs take on "Wallander" the famed Swedish detective. I enjoyed this show so much, I'm not really one for this genre (Save 'Dexter' and 'Life' of course), but this was supremely well done. Kenneth Branagh was a revelation in this role, not the luvvy I usually associate with him, but a real , imperfect human being. Strangely I really connected with the lead character. Maybe something about a flawed, unhealthy, depressed, socially isolated, middle aged 'hero' clicked with me.
Southern Sweden is a revelation too, just enough is familiar to ground it, but the landscape is beautiful in its 'splendid isolation'. Sweden eh? Plus the way it is photographed gives the whole piece the air of a lucid dream, or more correctly nightmare, given the subject matter.
Anyway enough TV reviewing



"But today there is no day or night
Today there is no dark or light.
Today there is no black or white,
Only shades of gray."

I continue to feel incredibly removed and out of sync with the rest of the world. Maybe getting back to work on Christmas Day may ground me, but at the moment I feel like I could vanish from existence, like a candle flame between thumb and finger, and the world would continue without anyone even noticing - Oh that's rather pathetic isn't it, even by my own (admittedly very low) standards.

Oh Mr.Physio had a look at my other (injured as opposed to just old) arm today, he says it will get better, eventually. It's still keeping me awake, but it's only for a month or two eh?



It's my Brothers birthday on Christmas Eve (and Mams on Christmas Day), so I will only be 1 year older than him until my Birthday comes around next year, I feel so youthful (I don't) ! Birthdays, birthdays, birthdays ! (did anyone spot that birthday playlist? sadly I didn't have a very good selection of appropriate songs)

I may have mentioned this already (but you probably picked up that I'm not thinking in a very linear fashion) but I'm only going to see Billie for about an hour on Christmas Day. Hopefully I shall finish work around three (hopefully) but she has to be back 'home' for four thirty. Whilst in the grand scheme of the cosmos this is pretty insignificant, in a life where the opening of a packet is a relatively major life event, this is quite important to me. I won't even get time to mess around with her present (no surprises spoilt, she already knows what it is).

The room is spinning, and the spirit of Christmas past wants a chat. Bye for now, and despite all my protestations to the contrary, have a lovely Christmas...

“When a finger points to the moon, the imbecile looks at the finger”- Another Chinese Proverb

“It takes a long time to grow young.” - Pablo Picasso

It's the 21st of December, that can only mean one thing!

Happy
Birthday
Barbara!



(I appreciate you may never see this, but I hope you had a special day).

“Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.” - Stephen Wright

“You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help ”

"I guess I should have stayed in bed,
My pillow wrapped 'round my head.
Instead of waking up to find
A nightmare of a different kind."

I got up just after 5am, damn my rebellious arms!
The best thing about getting up so early is the feeling that you've found some secret extra time in the day. The worst thing is falling asleep in the middle of the afternoon.
It was a most unremarkable day, any less interesting and it would be yesterday.

I did get a strange silent phone call just before 11pm. I never get phone calls (this is a true fact, not braggadocio), except one a day from Billie to say goodnight. If it was a wrong number, they would have surely said, or am I assigning good manners that don't exist anymore?

Anyway back to the treading of water that I call a life...

"As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You've taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations."

- Calvin (from Bill Wattersons, 'Calvin and Hobbes')

“To watch us dance is to hear our hearts speak” - Indian Proverb

"It all begins
With Santa Claus
And brilliant men
With brilliant flaws
The floor you prayed
On takes away
A safety that was yesterday"

I hope I get to sleep tonight.
Last night I was very tired from dancing (I'm old) and slightly drunk, so relatively no problem, but sadly alcohol and rhythmic gyrations cannot be used on a daily basis to induce sleep. My main 'complaint' (and I know it sounds pathetic, but it is my blog after all!) is my damn arms. just enough pain to be annoying, even after analgesia, and a strange almost nauseous tiredness in them.
At least the cold is fading, the 'snot' is almost gone. Delightful.

It seems like I picked a most excellent week to be off, reports from Work, all point to it being really bloody busy (excuse my language).

You know I used to love dancing, but last night I was just going through the motions (no pun intended), it may be just me getting old (it isn't) but my heart wasn't in it.
I feel really really sad today (though you may interpret it as feeling sorry for myself, well who else will?) well actually most days. I feel like a very underwritten character in someone else's very bad novel .
These blog entries used to be at least occasionally coherent! Honestly I haven't even had a drink (but I do feel very very 'floaty' in the head and tummy department).

Goodnight all!

"Will you, won't you, Will you, won't you, Will you, won't you, join the dance?" - Lewis Carroll

"To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible."

"I'm going down town where there's people
The loneliness hangs in the air.
With no-one there real waiting for me,
No smile, no flower nowhere."

The Christmas night out was a total dud.
The food was awful, and I actually left the room whilst the "entertainment" was on. I wasn't willing to pay £14 for a bottle of very poor wine either. I didn't even get much dancing done.
At the end of the night (around midnight) one of colleagues to a tumble down some stairs (due to heels rather than drink I assure you, the shoe was left behind on the stair , Cinderella style). So I accompanied her to A&E (I told her that she should wait 'til morning, but no one listens to me). Sure enough they told her to go home and visit the walk in centre next morning. There was a sudden hailstorm, so we went and visited our Ward for a while, goodness it looked busy. apparently earlier in the day there had been two simultaneous cardiac arrests, let me say that one is unusual , two is unheard of.
Anyway I only live 10 minutes walk from the Hospital as you know, and the streets were thankfully deserted, as I was wearing a dinner jacket, and had opted for a 'brylcreemed' hair-do, and the local yobs are very unforgiving in the fashion stakes.

Another Nurse on my Ward is off to Canada (that's two with a possible third soon), again due to my previous raving about the Country. Good luck to them both!

Calvin: "The only skills I have the patience to learn are those that have no real application in life"

“The palest ink is better than the sharpest memory”

"she tied you to her kitchen chair,
she broke your throne and she cut your hair"

I had my hair cut about three weeks ago - and it was awful! I looked like Robert Wagner in Prince Valiant (go google image search!).
Today I could take no more, and went to get it cut again. I tried somewhere different, a very nice chatty lady cut my hair and it's certainly the first time any one's mentioned 'Slipknot' whilst cutting my hair! However she went a bit wild! this is the shortest my hair has been for about 5 years! It looks okay, but it is far from what I wanted, oh well.

In even more mundane occurrences, I'm continuing my twice weekly physiotherapy sessions. fifteen minutes under a shortwave pulse machine, then another twenty or so in the physio gym. The usefulness of my left shoulder is actually improving, I can now almost tie aprons again (Nurses wear a lot of aprons!). Sadly my recently snow injured right arm is giving me more in the way of pain/discomfort. I have almost full strength back in the hand, but the arm aches constantly and rotational movement is still very painful. But everyday brings a little improvement. If only minds could heal so easily!

“You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from passing over your head, but you can prevent their making a nest in your hair” - Chinese Proverb

"Reality continues to ruin my life" - Bill Watterson

"About as low as I felt in a long time
And I know that I did a wrong at the wrong time"

Two days further in and my 'man' cold is sadly no better. Thankfully, now I'm off and can recover relatively worry free.
The past two days are a bit floaty vague, thank goodness work was quiet. Much mucus and aching has gone on, but not much moaning, that's only really useful with company, moaning to ones self is a cardinal sign of madness I think.

I don't feel in the slightest bit Christmassy. I think I've discussed this before, but the only bit of pleasure I get out of Christmas is giving Billie presents and remembering (vaguely) how wonderful it all used to seem.
I'm not bothering with any decorations this year. I'm at work on all the important days, and it's now likely Billie won't even be over on Christmas day.

It's the Christmas night out the day after tomorrow, and to absolutely honest I'm not even vaguely interested. It used to be a highlight of my year, but the sense of belonging at work has long since evaporated. People have moved on, a new regime enforces with a boot of iron, and the fun that was has long since slipped between our increasingly time ravaged fingers. Oh I'm a little ray of sunshine ain't I? I suppose this is just surrogate moaning for being the slightest bit poorly.

(I've almost finished watching Firefly again. Why was it ever cancelled?)

“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.” - Bill Watterson

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.” - Mark Twain

bleurgh! in times past I'd be ringing work, and telling them I won't be in today. But those times have passed. I was a little spaced out last night , and I feel somewhat floaty this morning too. All my joints are aching, and combined with recent woes, my arms kept me awake last night (yes, they just wouldn't shut up!).

Strangely my e-mail isn't working today (although all I'm missing is bills I suppose)

“Illness is the most heeded of doctors: to goodness and wisdom we only make promises; pain we obey” - Marcel Proust

“The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good and ill together.”

Your Author is unwell, and since he can't be sick from work, ever, has gone to bed early.

Just imagine some rambling musings on lost love and general miserable like goings on and you won't be far from your regular programmes.
Thank you.

“A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts”

"I will meet you in Toronto, we will have some bread and wine,
With the green grass for a table in a park beyond your mind."

My my this is post 450, what an empty, fruitless and ultimately pointless journey it has been.

I have (rather predictably) just consumed a whole bottle of Australian Merlot, it's 1am, and that means a drunken rambling blog post - woo and indeed hoo!

I'm on holiday next week , I'm also stoney broke due to that roof.
When I booked that weeks holiday many many of your months ago, in the back of my mind I had some kind of half baked plan about going to Canada. Originally I'd envisioned a wonderful pre-Christmas reunion week with Barbara, but as that gradually became more and more the realm of fantasy, I had the twilight fantasy of turning up , unannounced, on her doorstep - you eediot!.
I'm only telling you this now, because it's never going to happen, and Barbara don't come round these parts any more (plus of course the tongue loosening wine!). - I may be drunk, but at least my spelling is gud! -
Barbara loves Christmas, and I mean really, really adores it!
...and I never did get to see her Christmas Village video (that may sound flippant, but it is heartfelt, I assure you).

Happy December the 11th !

(I've been listening to a lot of John Barry)

“What is said when drunk has been thought out beforehand” - Flemish proverb

"I'll tell you what's close to my heart at the moment - My left lung."

Well I currently have all the gripping strength of a toddler, but somehow I managed to get through my workdays. I've been wearing an arm length 'tubigrip' partly to help with the pain, and partly as a visual aid to say 'my arm hurts'. I actually have a very physical job, despite appearances.

I'd intended to come in from work tonight, get drunk and watch 'Dexter' but instead I fell fast asleep. I ended up having a 1am bath (I find the hot water eases the old arms and helps me get off to sleep). I am feeling very very old this week.

If I believed in horoscopes (and I most certainly do not!), todays may have read 'a message from a most unexpected source'.

I've nothing more to say, for now.

“Sorrow can be alleviated by good sleep, a bath and a glass of wine” - St. Thomas Aquinas

“It is often the last key on the ring which opens the door”

I fell over just outside the hospital. It was about 7.10am, dark and very icy.
I'm officially useless.
I landed on my right arm, and couldn't feel my fingers until about 10am (sadly I was a 13 hour shift today.). I was in agony, but I couldn't go home due too fear for my job (see back issues for details of my Hospitals sick policy). One lady walked past and offered to help, but I said I'd probably just pull her over too, so she passed on by.

I have no idea how I got changed into my uniform. I attended physiotherapy (for my left shoulder, remember), but the physio said I was obviously too uncomfortable for any exercises. I did get a nice Consultant Surgeon to look at my arm tonight. He said it wasn't broken, small mercies.
That's that.

“All truly great thoughts are conceived while walking” - Frederick Nietzsche

“He was part of my dream, of course - but then I was part of his dream too.”

"When logic and proportion,
Have fallen sloppy dead"

I've had a CD for months all wrapped up and ready to post. All that time it had a long, long heartfelt letter inside it. Then a few weeks ago, I shredded it. (for various reasons)
I wrote another letter, still full of regret, but less pleading, more resigned. Today I'd intended to post it, but at the eleventh hour I wrote a third letter, which was a schizophrenic blend of it's two antecedents. I was minutes from the post office, but I had a turnabout. The package sits on the desk in front of me, where it'll probably stay for a very very long time, the letter* unread, the music unplayed. Even if it had found a favourable audience, what would it change? Too much time has passed. I shredded that first long and florid letter for a reason, and that's never likely to change now is it?

I remain, as ever , a fool.

“When you are describing A shape, or sound, or tint; Don't state the matter plainly, But put it in a hint; And learn to look at all things With a sort of mental squint” - Lewis Carroll



*(it also contained birthday greetings - Happy Birthday Barbara)

“Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm”

"Creature comfort goals
They only numb my soul and make it hard for me to see
My thoughts all seem to stray, to places far away
I need a change of scenery"

This is rather tragic (in the pathetic rather than sad way). Here I am, at 5.30 in the morning, but it's not insomnia, but the dreaded drip. It woke me up around 5am. I looked outside and the promised heavy snow was nowhere to be seen , but there was a little slush about, so where was the fuel for the 'telltale heart' style drip? Cue comedic scenes of me leaning out of various windows, and climbing ladders at 5am in my dressing gown and slippers , in a sub zero world - positive action! But I did track it down! finally! It appears the guttering has become misplaced causing all the drainage from the flat roof to gather at one spot and drip heavily against the side of the house. So I think I can hear only a faint version round at the front, the main event being against Billie's wall, and strangely directly over the damage to my dining room wall. I'm sure it's easily fixable (until I'm probably told it all needs replacing) . So the £1000 roof repair was jut a lucky (in maintenance , rather than monetary terms?) coincidence? read on...

(post script from later in the day - sadly you get nothing for free, and Mr.Roof wants another £60 to fix the guttering. Work will get done next week , here's hoping,but I told him he'll have to wait until after next payday for reparations. At least I'll be able to return to my usual woes,
C'est la vie!)

"-tear up the planks! --here, here! --it is the beating of his hideous heart!" - Edgar Allan Poe

"Knew a man who had a hole clean through his whole shoulder, once. Used to keep a spare hankie in there."

"Well it's been a year or so, and I want to go back again,
And if I get the money, well I'll ride the same old train."

Crikey I'm bored. Bored stupid (although I was already half way there).
I suppose that means I've stopped obsessing about the noise in my walls (no not delusions, just the mysterious dripping), at least until I'm lying in bed tonight, listening... listening... (use your imagination here).
I've no evidence that Mr. Roof even turned up, I tried ringing, but I think he may have blocked calls from my number (I am only joking by the way).
I went for my physio treatment today and amusingly whilst getting the pulse therapy, the consultation behind the next curtain turned out to be my Charge Nurse Michael, who just got back from Texas yesterday. I didn't say anything of course it would have been indiscreet.

I was toying with the idea of not going to the Christmas night out (in a fortnight). Demand is high for places and I could easily off load my place. However I realised that apart from my lonely sojourn to Glasgow, I had not had a night out since Barbara's bittersweet visit, all those long , long months ago (how I miss her, but , well, you know). So if I can find something for my horrendous frame to wear, I'm going. To quote Mal Reynolds , "no more runnin'. I aim to misbehave."

“There's no excuse to be bored. Sad, yes. Angry, yes. Depressed, yes. Crazy, yes. But there's no excuse for boredom, ever.” - Viggo Mortenson

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt" - Mark Twain

"The tragedy of *your* time, my young friends, is that you may get exactly what you want"

Luckily things don't seem so bad when the heating's on, and the rain has stopped. I fear for my (mental) health.
Oh a glass of wine helped also. Speaking of which I just watched The Monkees "Head" on DVD for the first time in a long while. I've never experienced drugs, other than alcohol, but I can imagine this film is the perfect accompaniment. I love this film, but I've only ever seen it by myself. with (the wrong) company, I can imagine it would be cringe inducing (it is very much a product of it's times). It feels very much like a dream, unconnected scenes that in their own context seem to fit together perfectly, until you analyse them later, what am I talking about? I also finally started watching the TV show on DVD, and although not the laugh fest I remember from my own childhood (they were repeats cheeky) they are a lot of fun, but very firmly a marketing tool. Unlike the film, which seems very much like an attempt to self destruct the 'bubblegum' image. Semi interesting tangent over, back to our regular programmes.

Another awful day at work. Specifics really aren't that interesting. However my job recently seems to be fitting an (almost) infinite amount of patients, into a most definitely finite number of beds, add to that paperwork and cleaning and the remaining amount of actual patient care is minuscule.

One of my Colleagues today handed in her notice, as she is relocating in January to Canada. I looked like this... (imagine strange fat face) when she told me - ho hum.

My nemesis, Mr Roof, returns tomorrow, I do hope it's for the last time!

I'm so miserable, I'm off for a very late bath....

"Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself." - Mark Twain

“Madness is to think of too many things in succession too fast, or of one thing too exclusively” - Voltaire

Damn and blast !
Just on my way to work, but I had to tell someone that the dreaded drip is back! I know to anyone reading this I must seem like a shut in loon (and to some degree I am) but I've spent close to a thousand pounds on roof repairs, the initial symptom of which was this drip, and there it is again, as bad as ever.

I wish I was more of a problem solver (with a large bank account, money really can solve most problems) .

“The insane, on occasion, are not without their charms” - Kurt Vonnegut

"I thought love was only true in fairy tales,
Meant for someone else but not for me."

More blah blah.
I feel really strange* today. The last couple of weeks have , to repeat a cliche, been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me. Not a lot happens to me, and I so tend to overreact sometimes (but only sometimes). Consequently minor mishaps such as my leaky roof (oops - mentioned it again - but only as context) get me down a lot more than they should.
By the same logic, really upsetting things tend to knock me for six. Maybe that's why I feel so disconnected at the moment. I really feel like I'm walking between the raindrops, although that may be completely the wrong expression. I seem to be rubbing Billie up the wrong way recently, but I'm sure that is just a twelve year old thing. However I feel like I'm getting more and more isolated, and caring less and less. Okay I'm beating around the proverbial here and skirting around the elephant. I'm losing a point that probably wasn't even there in the first place.

and in less abstract news...
I'm keeping up with my exercises. The pain still wakes me up several times each night. I used to sleep exclusively on my left side, as that's where my radio is (tinnitus remember?) but as it's my left shoulder, I alternate (exciting stuff eh?).
On Friday gone I had to go to the gym (me! in a gym!) I was the only "patient" there, and despite their obvious disinterest, the abundance of twenty something , fit physiotherapists, made the gelatinous middle aged blob you see before you a little uncomfortable.

*lazy, not to incorporate this above I know. I realised I never elaborated on 'strange'. I mean irritable , distracted, unfocused, regretful, apologetic, but paradoxically unapologetic, misanthropic, detached, sad and ultimately pointless.
You may point out, correctly, that this is how I apparently feel most of the time, but somehow it feels a little different today. You may also correctly point out that these can also describe depression.

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” - Albert Einstein

"Lack of money is the root of all evil" - George Bernard Shaw

And I thought yesterday was busy? A horrible horrible shift today. Winter is properly here when the bed crisis arrives...

Earlier Mr Roof had arrived (nearly an hour late). After examining the roof again, and listening to my description of the symptoms, he came up with a figure of another £600, but the look of horror on my face, and my genuine claims of poverty somehow got the price down to £300 (how does that work?) Luckily it's pay day on Thursday and my Dad is going to help me a bit. Typically when I got home still no sign of the guarantee from the previous job, and a quick call elicits that he will return tomorrow to finish, sound familiar?

My physiotherapy has now settled into a nice twice weekly routine. The shortwave pulse contraption is really helping with the pain, and today I've been given daily exercises. Strangely they involve a walking stick. Which reminds me of the two occasions when I needed to use a stick, when my back was bad (which gave me a 'House' complex of course). That was an unnecessary tangent (but aren't they all?).

I promise that I will not mention my damn roof again, unless more cash is involved maybe.
Last year Winter passed by quickly and pleasantly (and if you have to ask why you haven't been paying attention to previous posts!). This one look like it's going to be a bit of a slog

"A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of." - Jane Austen

"Some cause happiness wherever they go ; others, whenever they go" - Oscar Wilde

"I've got six things on my mind
you're no longer one of them"

- that's a lie.


Well apologies for yesterdays apocalyptic and frankly rather pathetic meanderings. My world didn't end, despite me sometimes willing it to.

Today at work was the busiest and most frustrating day I can remember for quite a while. It also seemed to last forever. Details are unimportant, it just was.
(oh and by the way my 'missing' items did not turn up, if it were a patients belongings stolen, I suspect my management might actually have been bothered).
Cruelly it has rained all day. I spent a lot of time at work wishing for blue sky (obviously this is not a metaphor but more leaky roof related crap - sorry).

I'm off now. Self pity doesn't wallow itself you know!

“I love talking about nothing. It is the only thing I know anything about.” - Oscar Wilde

"If you drink much from a bottle marked 'poison' it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later"- Lewis Carroll

Let me start with a confession. Up until a few hours ago I'd intended to abandon this blog - no don't laugh, I meant it. I'd started the week simply planning to never post again, for well, a very long time, and ended up intending to delete it , at least for a couple of hours( the intentions rather than the deletion)...

This week has been awful for me. (this rambling post can't convey how wretched I truly feel)
Okay, by objective standards, I've had a bit of misfortune, this is a world of greed and famine, war and the apparently universal desire for peace (usually voiced strongest by the participants), neediness, and yet vulgar displays of wealth and excess (think Dubai for a minute). But I'm not a saint, I'm selfish, greedy and self centred, but perhaps no more than any 'average' person. When something bad happens to me it seems like the end of the world... but I'm rambling again.

I sincerely thought I'd start a new blog. I wanted to forget the whole thing and start afresh. This blog was initially, meant as a bit of fun,, but it became quite confessional. Although reading again some entries often makes me very sad, but a good memory will always be a good memory I suppose. What would a new blog be about after all? I have no passions other than misanthropy it seems, so a new blog would probably have gravitated back to similar subject matter, and format I imagine. Plus a new start is not always a good thing, there are some things I never want to forget.

I'm jumping all over the place here, not literally of course, only in subject matter. As you probably guessed from my last post I started the week in a bad place, and then got lost in it. Only minor irritations. The continuing absence of Mr Roofer, and his evasiveness over my bill / guarantee for repair number 2. The pain in my shoulder which keeps me awake at night (by the way the shortwave pulse therapy has helped, a little, but it has helped). My feud with my Dad (or rather his feud with me) seems to have entered a new phase of intensity.
Getting up to a empty sub zero house at 6am on a Sunday morning, walking through the snow to work, barely able to feel your fingers (where are my gloves? every year I lose them, buy a new pair then find the old ones, then the cycle repeats).
Then I had something valuable stolen from work today, just by an opportunist I'm sure but still very annoying. Then returning home to a freezing place, only to find that there is water running down my walls again (inside I mean), unfortunately the first leak in the roof (the one I do have a bill for) seems to have failed, so if I look up into the corner of the room here, I can see a little bit of nature trying to reclaim this 'hole' for itself.
Reading over the last few paragraphs reminds me of how insignificant all of these little troubles are (and I left out most of more trivial ones) but it doesn't stop me feeling like, well how do I feel? Empty, directionless, flat, pointless, a failure, old, flabby,lonely (but that one I have no excuse for), sad, irritated, pick a few more for yourself, they probably fit.
Well I started this thinking I would feel better at the end, but I don't. If anything I feel a little foolish that I wanted to commit such thoughts to 'paper' but there you go, only the best of us can completely convey our inner workings and motivations to others, and this post has proved that I'm not a member of that group.

(I usually go back and edit these things, but that was a non stop rant , typed almost as fast as it poured out so there it stays, at least the spelling is good...)

“Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals.” - Oscar Wilde

"See I've already waited too long and all my hope is gone"

It had to happen, and of course it's entirely my own fault. Seeing it in "black and white" though, well even I was surprised at the volume of tears, coughing and spluttering it provoked.

Now I've calmed down enough to type.

Barbara has moved on from me. Oh I know it really happened months ago, but (30 minutes of thinking later) I never stopped loving her.
Nearly everyday since we last spoke I've sat looking at her name on my phone, but never dared to ring.
Maybe this is the metaphorical slap in the face I needed to move on.
I really hope you are happy Barbara (absolutely NO bitterness or sarcasm intended), heaven knows you deserve it. You're the best friend I've ever had.

“A man of gladness seldom falls into madness”

"It only tires me
But when you fire me
I want for nothing in this world"

Welcome to that embarrassing post I promised earlier . I have have consumed the wine, true, but sadly (depending on your point of view) I don't feel like I have anything to say tonight that is especially shameful (that's the wrong word really, but I didn't want to use embarrass again so soon - oops!).

I've been listening to a lot of Billy Mackenzie over the past few days. I always liked the fact he was a pop star called Billy (obviously) and that he could put real emotion into his performances (try 'Breakfast', 'Nocturne VII' and 'In Windows All' for starters) . However it was always obvious that he had a lot of internal issues and demons to wrangle. The fact that I'm older than he ever got to be, makes me ponder my own self worth (and I've never done that before have I ?). Luckily I don't really like whippets, and my Dads' shed holds no interest to me...

Next time I promise I will bemoan my state more thoroughly and those few topics that occupy most of my thoughts (okay I'm rambling now, time for this non-even to end). Normal service will resume shortly.

“Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness” - Seneca

“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.” - Cary Grant

"I read it in the sand
You'll come for me
And take me by the hand
Far from all I know
You'll take me there
And I will understand"

Here I sit with a packet of Tunnocks Snowballs and a cup of tea, listening to Billy Mackenzie, and ruminating. Oh I'm ruminating like a professional ruminator (but not in the sense of cattle), It's something I excel at. In a moment I intend to open a bottle of wine.
All three of my siblings were at my Mams house earlier today (plus me of course, so that makes four). This is a pretty rare occurrence. I still feel like an outsider to my own family but I try and not let such illogical thoughts bother me these days. (see an old dog can learn new tricks)
I don't like weekends off, I know I've said it a thousand times before, but Joe Public and his entire family are off at weekends (plus I'm missing those lovely weekend enhancements that take my pay up to a livable level - nice phrase!), I much prefer midweek days off - enough!

Let the wine flow! and probably an embarrassing post later I imagine!

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” - George Burns

“Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, pain of love lasts a lifetime.”

"I wish I had a river so long,
I would teach my feet to fly.
Oh I wish I had a river,
I made my baby say goodbye"


So what's been happening to me? not much as it happens (would ya believe it?).
I signed up with my local GP practice, as instructed at my sickness interview. I went along for my medical, and to be honest I was quite looking forward to it. An examination, a chance to talk with a sane and intelligent adult about my problems and worries. Sadly It lasted all of ten minutes, with the Practice Nurse and went no deeper than blood pressure, height and weight (I found out I'm actually six four in my shoes, and weigh only 102 kg, for years I thought I was six two and I honestly thought I was much heavier, so not all bad eh?).
Next day I dragged my deteriorating body along to the physio at work. This examination was much more thorough, but I felt quite embarrassed having to undress. My new physio wants me to come in twice weekly for a few weeks to get treatment on my shoulder. It has been getting worse, and I just have to reach out sideways now and it will go dead (accompanied by much pain). Sleeping on my left (as I always do) is painful and even putting on clothes is a struggle sometimes - shoot me now!

My roof is still not complete, he shall return to complete it on Monday apparently, but I will believe it when I see it.

In more upsetting news, my outlay the cost of the roof means I'll have to rethink Billies Christmas present. I really wanted to get her a nice netbook, as 'live messenger' seems to rule her life at the moment, but unless I get a windfall soon, that's unlikely now - oh well, she honestly doesn't seem to mind a bit!

I finally used the last of the Jim Beam that Barbara brought with her. I bought some more, but it will always remind me of a wonderful night and a wonderful Woman (that came out more morose than it was intended)
Goodnight.

“Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.” - Winston Churchill

“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”

"Tinseltown is in the rain"

So - roof man arrives, later than announced, and I hand him his cheque, which he pockets. He proceeds to show me what was wrong , and as he talks it becomes increasingly obvious he hasn't started yet! All I can think about is my cheque in his pocket! He says he'll come back in an hour or so, but he isn't and I go to work. All afternoon I'm pondering, "have I been ripped off?" So I ask one of my colleagues to ring me from home (he passes my house on the way) and he later reports, guys crawling over the house like an infestation. Sadly when I got home , a note says, "back tomorrow to finish". (sorry for the confused tense in that paragraph, I am very tired)

In other news, I finally signed up with my local GP practice, upon the insistence of the "interview". I last saw a GP over four years ago, with tinnitus depression and sadly , suicidal thoughts. He prescribed me anti-depressants (which I took for around six weeks) and referred me to the CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) for counselling. I wen for my first session, but he was off sick, and in the subsequent four and a half years no one has contacted me at all - great follow up eh? Suicidal Nurse with access to various opiates, insulin, potassium, just think of the ways I could have ended it all, thanks ex GP! (oh I sounded a little bitter there didn't I?). I have to go for a medical tomorrow - joy!

“How did it get so late so soon?” - Dr Seuss

“Love is a medicine for the sickness of the world; a prescription often given, too rarely taken.”

"As sure as night is dark and day is light,
I keep you on my mind both day and night"

Well, I think the roofer came, although I can see no evidence he did.
It was pitch black when I got in , but there was no detritus, no waste or rubbish around. Either he was very tidy or he's a trickster.

Perhaps more importantly, I had my sickness interview, and got a caution. If I'm off again in the next six months, I am apparently in big trouble!

Today, by strange coincidence, I met two people , or rather re-met them (is that a word?) from the distant past (that's my own personal distant past, it wasn't Caesar or Plato) one was a girl I used to sit next to at school (in the 1970s for goodness sake), the other was the Ward Sister on my second ever ward as a student, nearly twenty years ago! Strange eh?

By the way I still feel like I'm at the bottom of a large hole , that's slowly filling with sand/earth/water, you get the picture. Sweet dreams...

“Sickness shows us what we are” - Latin Proverb

“The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.” - JFK

"And as I watch the drops of rain,
Weave their weary paths and die,
I know that I am like the rain,
There but for the grace of you go I."

The continuing saga of nothing in particular.
I was woken this morning by someone knocking at the door. It was the roof man! Whilst I slept he'd had a look (at the roof not me sleeping), and sadly the roof is apparently in a pretty bad way , but somewhat luckily, only around the edges. It will cost me around £500 to repair (plus the £200 from last week), I suppose it could have been worse. Anyone got £500 ?

“If you want a vision of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face -- forever.” - George Orwell